Thirtysomething thought everyone was joking about having a pension

A MAN in his mid-30s thought all his mates were joking about having pension plans, he has admitted. 

Freelance designer Stephen Malley, aged 36, has only just realised that his contempories do in fact have pensions and laughed when he said they were for ‘stupid pricks’ because they thought he was being ironic.

He said: “I thought pensions were for old people. Which it’s now been explained to me that they are, but not in quite the way I’d assumed.

“Then I said ‘But why didn’t anyone tell me I should get a pension?’ And then realised that my parents, my employer, and the government, have been, constantly and repeatedly, all my life.

“To have a decent pension now it’s going to take such a high percentage of my salary, I won’t be able to afford to do anything except stay at home wanking and playing Xbox. Which to be fair is most weekends.

“But I prefer to take the risk that either I’ll become incredibly wealthy or that society will suddenly decide it has a responsibility to care for the elderly, either of which seems equally likely.

“Either that or I’ll be struck down in my 60s by heart disease or as a victim of an Ebola epidemic. Both of which would be a brilliant outcome for me financially.”

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Yorkshireman more than happy for you to correct his English

A YORKSHIREMAN has confirmed he has no problem with anyone translating his sentences into Southerner-approved English. 

Martin Bishop, from Halifax, believes that anyone taking the trouble to correct his strong regional dialect is not offending him in the least and is actually performing a valuable public service.

He said: “If I say ‘Chuffin’ roasting out there’ and a colleague steps in to say ‘I think you mean to say that the weather is very hot’, I thank them profusely.

“Or if I greet someone at the bar with ‘Ey up’ and the barman says ‘You probably mean ‘hello’, I know he’s only trying to help so I respond by giving him an extra-large tip.

“Though when I said ‘Appen ruddy whippet’s took me cap down t’ ginnel’ my friends from more sophisticated climes just told me to be quiet, which I did. The last thing I’d want is to confuse people.”

He added: “No, I don’t mind being corrected, mocked, none of it. As long as nobody tries to borrow any f**king money.”