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This is ideal gilet weather, says gilet wearer

A HABITUAL wearer of gilets has informed all his colleagues that the early autumn chill is the ideal season for the wearing of a gilet.

Julian Cook, aged 44, explained the magic of the garment is that it insulates the part of the body that loses most heat while allowing the arms to move unencumbered, which is key in his position as a value creation analyst.

He continued: “You can unzip it, wear it half-zipped, and slip it on and off easily. It’s like the climate control in my BMW 3 series, but for the human body.

“If we step outside you’re either feeling the chill or trapped in the misery of a heavy coat, while I’m experiencing the literal best of both worlds, darting nimbly around with my heat retained. It’s like I’m the next evolutionary step.

“And they’re stylish, of course. In the office I stick to my smart casual utility gilets, but at the weekend I wear a White Company fleece gilet with a funnel neck. That turns heads.”

Colleague Lucy Parry said: “I asked if they cost less because they don’t have arms. He didn’t like that. I asked if he missed the arms. Again not happy. He cut me off when I was asking if you can get separate arms to zip on when it gets cold.”

Cook replied: “God, why does everyone fixate on the arms? Bloody ignorant.”

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Seven reasons Trump is the last person you need commenting on a shooting

THE politically-motivated killing of a controversial figure requires careful handling. Unfortunately Donald Trump is president. Here are the woefully inappropriate ways he’ll react.

Extreme narcissism

Trump can’t stop bragging, so expect his tributes to Kirk to go something like this: ‘Charlie was a great guy. I’ll never forget the time he said to me, “What’s it like being the greatest president in history who’s dated so many beautiful women, Donald?” That was the day I passed a genius test. Doctors said they’d never seen a genius test like it…’

The opposite of pleas for calm

A ‘plea for calm’ is usual after political violence, but Trump never fails to disappoint. Instead he released a video saying, among other inflammatory things, that ‘radical left political violence has taken too many lives’ and it must be stopped. Yep, that certainly doesn’t sound like ‘Get them before they get you’.

Trying to distract from Epstein 

Trump is clearly up to his neck in Epstein’s crimes, so as a distraction he’ll talk about the shooting as if he’s personally directing the investigation: ‘We’re gonna find this sicko, I told the FBI, I said put all our best people on it…’ He’s already ordered flags to be lowered for Kirk, so he’ll probably officially declare a civil war and start handing out rifles if a worse Epstein note emerges, eg. ‘Can you send one of our wonderful secrets to my hotel room? The secret who’s a piece of ass.’

Selling Charlie Kirk merchandise

Despite making possibly billions of dollars from crypto nonsense and various grifts enabled by being POTUS, Trump still emails his supporters urging them to buy tat. Kirk may have been a friend, but it’s unlikely Trump will pass up the chance to sell ‘Charlie Kirk – MAGA martyr’ oven gloves and golf balls.

Refusing to shut up about election fraud 

Trump is utterly obsessed with losing to Biden in 2020 and inserts it into conversations at random. This might include Kirk’s funeral. Trump won’t even bother to think of a tenuous link with the shooting, just cut the priest off at ‘Ashes to -’ and start rambling bitterly about the Democrats ‘cheating like dogs’.

Conspiracy shit

Politicians and the authorities often discourage people from coming up with tasteless conspiracy theories about crimes, but Trump is no stranger to conspiracies himself. Did the liberal media know in advance about the shooting? Did Hillary Clinton order the assassination to get at Trump? Did Kirk fake his own death? Now Americans can get their conspiracy brainrot from the president himself instead of 4chan.

Skipping the funeral to play golf

Despite his outrage now, nothing Trump says is sincere except his grudges and he’s probably the most selfish person to have ever lived. So while Kirk may have been a dear friend while it’s convenient, Trump might just skip the funeral if he’d rather play golf that day. Which would be appalling, but since MAGA’s main activity is being bastards to people, Charlie’s ghost can’t really complain.

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