Twat can't go five minutes without mentioning how close we are to Christmas

A WANKER with nothing better to do is unable not to inform you how many days there are left until 25th December.

Tom Logan, an adult man with a job and home, is completely obsessed with behaving like a f**king spoken-word advent calendar no matter how much everyone wants him to stop.

He explained: “Yesterday it was 54 days until Christmas, and now it’s only 53.

“I like to keep everyone up to date because there’s a lot to prepare, isn’t there? Buying the presents, getting them wrapped, ordering the turkey… those days will be gone before you know it.

“And when people say there might not be any Christmas this year, I tell them lockdown can’t beat the festive spirit and begin humming Mariah Carey. Ho ho ho!”

Friend Martin Bishop said: “It’s annoying every year. But when Christmas is likely to mean being locked in your home, unable to see anyone, having received nothing but online vouchers as presents and with nothing to do but drink, it’s worse.

“Hang on, actually, that sounds alright. That sounds great in fact. How many days did you say it was, Tom?”

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The comfortably-off guide to doing the second lockdown better than everyone else

IS government plunging your area unfairly into lockdown even though the virus can’t spread between detached houses? Follow these pointers to sail through it: 

Fill your days

Schools are remaining open to take your marvellous, high-achieving, frankly inconvenient children off your hands. Pass the time until 3pm by spending an hour on a new hobby like needlework, poetry or petting a miniature horse and the other five hours bragging about it online. And necking prosecco.

Build your home office

A spare bedroom won’t do as a home office, not the second time around. Either convert it to something intimidatingly well-shelved or go the summerhouse route, taking your social media followers through every stage from delivery to painting to broadband installation. Then sit in it bored because you’re on furlough.

Work that house

Smug homilies about home being more important than ever are the perfect accompaniment to videos of you hoovering a seemingly endless landing. Never mention that your cleaner’s still coming because you’ve insisted she’s a key worker over her haltingly-voiced objections.

Focus on achievements

Children home, forcing you to sober up? Hours to kill before they can be sent to bed? A quick tracking shot over their wonderful homework signals your pride in them before you stick them on the PS4 and retire to your home office to watch Pointless.

Take time for self-care

Despite your best efforts stress is inevitable. If everything feels too much run yourself a hot bath for you-time, or drive to your second home to relax on your own terms.