Twattish American things you can do to be 'on trend'

DO you think doing American things makes you interestingly ‘on trend’ and not just an ostentatious wanker? Here are some suggestions.

Do Thanksgiving
Britons already have a meal that involves dry turkey and stilted conversation – it’s called Christmas dinner. Adding pumpkin pie and having it in November does not make it better. If you want to be even more weirdly American say grace before eating like you’re the f*cking Waltons.

Throw a baby shower
Fancy inviting your friends to a strangely formal, sober party? Want to make them play humiliating, childish games such as putting chocolate bars in nappies and guessing what sort of ‘poo’ it is? A baby shower is for you.

Have a potluck supper
In theory a dinner where all the guests bring a tasty dish they’ve freshly rustled up. In reality you end up with nineteen massive bags of crisps and some limp lettuce someone found in the back of their fridge.

Serve drinks in big red cups
Drinking beer out of a massive red cup makes you feel like you’re in an American high school teen movie and about to snog some babe in a Beverly Hills mansion, when the truth is you’re at a mediocre party on the patio of a semi in Swindon.

Go to ‘prom’
Gone are the days when celebrating the end of school involved necking vodka in the loo and over-optimistically hoping to lose your virginity. Now you have to spend shitloads buying outfits and hiring limousines just to go to a party with your teachers.

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Amateur photographer captures moment dream of being a photographer dies

AN amateur photographer has captured the exact moment she realised she bought an expensive camera for nothing.

Nikki Hollis purchased an expensive digital camera and lenses with the intention of setting up a website and selling shots of trees and graffiti.

However after just three months she has now realised what a huge waste of time and money it was, while capturing the moment perfectly in a raw and unposed image.

Hollis said: “I was taking arty black and white shots of myself in an antique mirror when I had this horrendous thought, ‘What the fuck am I doing?’

“I’d fondly imagined the images were ‘haunting’ and ‘revelatory’, but now I realise they were ‘self-indulgent’ and possibly ‘crap’.

“Now I think about it all my photos are horribly cliched or have a really obvious message, like the one of people enjoying themselves outside a pub with a homeless man in the background.”

Picking up a big lens, Hollis said: “I don’t even know what this glassy thing does and I could have had two weeks in Ibiza for it.”