The armchair warrior's guide to fighting crime

COULD angry suburban men on the internet hold the key to tackling crime? Here retired accountant Norman Steele outlines his no-nonsense measures.

Arm the police

And not just with guns. The modern bobby on the beat should also have grenades to take out groups of criminals and a garroting wire for ‘silent kills’.

Stiffer sentences

The minimum sentence should be 50 years. This would create a large prison population but I would solve that problem by regularly putting criminals into a giant blender, providing both a powerful deterrent and a free source of prison food.

Some might say this idea is ‘sadistic’ or ‘mental’, but when I explained it at length to my wife last night she enthusiastically responded “Yes, dear” several times.

Give police the powers they have in films

If the police need to dangle someone off a tall building to extract a confession, so be it. They should also be well-versed in passages from the Bible and signs of the zodiac to help them catch serial killers.

Introduce torture in prisons

Prisons are basically a holiday camp, so inmates should spend three hours a day being tortured on the rack or with electrodes. Only then would they be allowed to return to their Playstations.

Police tigers

Modern criminals with guns are unlikely to fear a puny Alsatian, so dog units should be upgraded to tigers. River police would be issued with trained crocodiles. It’s just common sense.

On-the-spot shootings

If someone breaks the law, shoot them there and then. No liberal judges or wily lawyers, just a bullet in the brain. (Obviously this does not apply to retired persons who may have accidentally exceeded the speed limit.)

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Police to get less than a third of one of Grayling's fuck-ups

POLICE facing a nationwide knife crime epidemic are to get much less than the cost of fixing one of Chris Grayling’s regular fuck-ups.

The Cabinet is battling over whether to release £10m of extra funding to stop horrific murders or hang on to it for the transport minister’s next spectacularly expensive disaster.

Chancellor Philip Hammond said: “£10 million is small change in the wider scheme of things and could make a real difference to knife crime, but we’ve got to plan for a future where Chris Grayling is still in government.

“This week it was £33 million to Eurotunnel because he bollocksed up massively. Next week it could be £108 million to prisoners unlawfully denied books. To be honest I wouldn’t be surprised if he does something really fucking stupid like setting fire to Wales.

“Britain needs to ask itself what it values more: the lives of its young people, or keeping Chris Grayling in a ministerial position? Remember, he’s solidly for Brexit.”

Grayling said: “I’m happy to have a crack at stopping knife crime. Just bear in mind it’ll make everything worse and cost £14 billion.”