THE only form of entertainment the UK can still afford to indulge in is wanking, masturbators have confirmed.
Though every other form of pleasure, from eating to watching TV to going on a bracing country walk requires a financial outlay on consumables or equipment, indulging in a vigorous bout of self-pleasure still has no costs attached.
Oliver O’Connor said: “I remember when I first discovered it, lying in the afterglow thinking ‘Seriously? This is free?’
“And, all these years on, it remains a joy democratically available to everyone at any time that doesn’t hurt the household finances. Whether you’re a City CEO or a single parent in temporary accommodation, there’s always time for a wank.
“If you’ve got an internet connection you’ve got a staggering amount of visual aids to bash the bishop to. Even if not, you’ll be surprised at the power and vivid detail of your imagination.
“Give it a go. You’ll be glad you did and even if you do find yourself locked into a regrettable fantasy about your sister-in-law, it’s cost you nothing but shame.”
A Treasury spokesman said: “We are looking at the privatisation and monetisation of masturbation in short order. As a point of principle as much as anything.”