Wanking still free

THE only form of entertainment the UK can still afford to indulge in is wanking, masturbators have confirmed.

Though every other form of pleasure, from eating to watching TV to going on a bracing country walk requires a financial outlay on consumables or equipment, indulging in a vigorous bout of self-pleasure still has no costs attached.

Oliver O’Connor said: “I remember when I first discovered it, lying in the afterglow thinking ‘Seriously? This is free?’

“And, all these years on, it remains a joy democratically available to everyone at any time that doesn’t hurt the household finances. Whether you’re a City CEO or a single parent in temporary accommodation, there’s always time for a wank.

“If you’ve got an internet connection you’ve got a staggering amount of visual aids to bash the bishop to. Even if not, you’ll be surprised at the power and vivid detail of your imagination.

“Give it a go. You’ll be glad you did and even if you do find yourself locked into a regrettable fantasy about your sister-in-law, it’s cost you nothing but shame.”

A Treasury spokesman said: “We are looking at the privatisation and monetisation of masturbation in short order. As a point of principle as much as anything.”

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Newborn crying because he's got such terrible parents

A NEWBORN baby boy is bawling at the top of his lungs because he has been birthed to awful parents, it has emerged.

Two-month-old baby Jack Browne has spent most of his life loudly crying not because he is hungry or needs burping, but because he realises he has been born to a pair of stupids.

He said: “I might not know how to walk or feed myself, but if there’s one thing I’m certain of it’s that mum and dad are not up to the task of raising me. Hence the screeching and kicking.

“I’m their first so they’re flying blind. They aren’t going to sleep when I am, and the book they’re reading to me is way below my level. Black-and-white patterns? Boring. I need a challenge.

“If they’re doing a bad job now imagine what it’s going to be like when I’m older. No way are they going to be able to teach me how to read or ride a bike. Basically, I’m doomed.”

Mum Emma said: “Judging by the tone of his crying, I think Jack wants me to change him into an embarrassing outfit and take dozens of photos to share on Facebook. Call it a mother’s intuition.”