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We ask you: what have you forgotten to get from the shops?

CHRISTMAS is almost upon us and you’ve got everything in except, hang on, you just need this one item and Tesco is open until 7pm. What is it? 

Nathan Muir, shoe salesman: “Star anise. We get through shitloads of the stuff. I’ve just taken two empty eight-gallon tubs down the tip.”

Susan Traherne, mortgage analyst: “Goose fat. Not for the roast dinner, but for swimming the Channel on Boxing Day.”

Steve Malley, hat blocker: “With me it’s more the opposite. I’ve got the turkey, the parsnips, the pudding, the sherry, the brandy, the whole lot, all loaded in the car, just putting the trolley back and then at the last minute remembered I’m Jewish.”

Norman Steele, miser: “Whatever it is, I’ll get it tomorrow morning by hollering at an urchin from my open bedroom window immediately after I’ve inquired of him what day it is.”

Donna Sheridan, hairdresser: “Oh f**k. You know how IKEA has a creche?”

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The stoner's guide to staying baked all Christmas

PLANNING to spend the Christmas period off your tits on weed like every other time of the year? Here’s how it will be a memorable festive experience nonetheless.

Christmas Eve

Wake up, roll a spliff. You’ve rung in sick to work so some other mug can stack those Tesco shelves to the constant wailing of Mariah f**king Carey today. 

With nowhere to be and nothing to do, spend the entire afternoon binge-watching the Matrix movies while skinning up and eating crisps. Stick a few Turkey Twizzlers in the oven for dinner – it is Christmas after all. Fall asleep on the sofa in front of the telly, only waking just as Midnight Mass is finishing on the BBC.

One last toot then bed. You feel you’ve really got into the Christmas spirit today. 

Christmas Day

Wake up, roll a spliff. You’re going to your parents for the big lunch so you need to wrap everyone’s presents. You forgot gift tags, but everyone’s getting the same selection box of biscuits so it hardly matters. Unfortunately wrapping six presents while high takes f**king ages. There’s a few blim burns on the wrapping paper, but f**k it, it’s only going in the bin.

You’re keeping the ‘family time’ to two hours before making some half-arsed excuse no one will believe. You can’t spark up a reefer in the house, and every minute is time that could be better spent getting baked to buggery.

Get home and chain-smoke skunk while gorging on chocolate and watching your favourite Christmas movie, Up In Smoke. It’s weird how Cheech & Chong haven’t become a festive tradition.

Boxing Day

Wake up, roll a spliff. No need to leave the flat and there’s f**k all on telly, so play some suitably seasonal music. Maybe Morcheeba. Or Gong. 

It’s time to get on with the celebrations, so treat yourself to a vodka bong. Then peel your head off the ceiling and wonder how the hell it’s 7pm. Somehow there’s only crisps in to eat, but they’re perfectly nutritious and brimming with flavour after some weed.

Check the calendar and realise it’s Saturday tomorrow and you’ve got the weekend off. How should you spend it at this most special time of year? Ah, of course…

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