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We ask you: What ridiculous bullshit hat did you wear at Cheltenham?

THE Cheltenham Festival has concluded, and with it your chance to staple a falcon’s wing to your forehead and call it a hat. What titfer did you look a tit in this year? 

Donna Sheridan, barmaid: “As a working-class girl attending Ladies’ Day, I had to represent my community. So my hat was two lampposts with shaven-headed men climbing up them to tie on Union Jacks.”

Steve Malley, sub-aqua therapist: “My hat was a licensed bookmaker. I just about broke even. He made fourteen thousand pounds.”

Julian Cook, currency trader: “A bald cap, and over that a baseball cap. Terribly witty. Prince William was absolutely creased.”

Grace Wood-Morris, couturier: “Grenadier’s bearskin. It really complements where I am as a woman.”

Roy Hobbs, ironmonger: “You know how Kim Kardashian wore Marilyn Monroe’s dress for the Met Gala? Well, this is Abraham Lincoln’s stovepipe hat. Check and mate, bitch. Your move.”

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Orange-hued Just Stop Oil activist totally successful

A DISRUPTIVE man wearing the bright orange of Just Stop Oil has succeeded in shutting down oil worldwide in a victory for the group. 

The individual infiltrated the White House and rather than throw soup over a portrait of George Washington or glue himself to the Resolute desk, acted to forcibly reduce the world’s dependency on oil by closing the Strait of Hormuz.

Fellow activist James Bates said: “It’s just as irritating as all our other tactics, but actually effective.

“Across the globe, multinationals and governments are accelerating their investment in renewables. Ordinary folk are pricing solar panels for their homes and saying their next car will be electric. With one irresponsible, attention-seeking action, he’s changed the world.

“Wearing our bright orange in plain sight, he’s taken our ethos of doing something irrational, headline-grabbing and enraging to ordinary people and wham. Oil’s stopped.

“It’s a real unexpected late bonus for us after ending our campaign last year, officially because we’d claimed victory but unofficially due to all our members switching to Free Palestine because it was more fashionable.

“And to all our critics saying we’re just trust-fund babies who know nothing about the real world, this guy is a billionaire! Who knows nothing about the real world. But nonetheless.”

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