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'Where is the rest of this top?' women ask shops

WOMEN are asking shops why they are charging full-price for tops that appear to be only half a top, in winter, when it is freezing. 

Female shoppers are also demanding that retailers stock jeans that cover the ankles and for all shirts to feature two sleeves, shoulders and a back.

Emma Bradford of Croydon said: “Has somebody been running with scissors in here?

“Every one I pick up is not a top, ie something that would cover the torso, but half a top with the rest mysteriously missing.

“What are we meant to do? Buy two and sew them together? Also, I’d quite to be able to stuff my face with carbs without people asking if I’m pregnant for the rest of the day.

“They’re cropping everything now – jeans, leggings, tops, shirts. They even crop crop-tops which by definition have already been cropped.

“They won’t stop until we’re buying clothes made from air.”

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Six films to think about to prolong your lovemaking

ARE you a man who sometimes needs to distract himself during sex? Here are some deeply unerotic films to think about to put on the brakes: 

The Smurfs

These little blue f**kers are a guaranteed passion-killer, aided by the terrible storyline and them being updated annoyingly with sassy attitude. You’ll need a pretty strong libido to imagine doing Smurfette. Or to be an adolescent boy.

Das Boot

Superb U-boat drama containing nothing remotely sexy. Even the homoerotic potential of all those big strong men crammed together is negated by their horrid beards and lengthy conversations about diesel engine repair.

The Phantom Menace

Confusing questions like ‘So Darth Vader built C3PO?’ and ‘Why did Obi-Wan never mention any of this?’ will instantly overwhelm your mind, driving out sexy sensations. You’re more likely to remember Jar Jar Binks or the offensive racial-stereotype aliens than Natalie Portman, which is just as well because she’s 16.

Showgirls

An erotic thriller so unsexy it may cause lifelong impotence, so don’t dwell too long on the embarrassing Vegas dance routines and the weirdly endless conversations about ‘tits’ and ‘cum’.

Daleks’ Invasion Earth 2150 AD

This clunkily titled Doctor Who spin-off contains no erotica; even token sex appeal Jill Curzon looks like a stern job interviewer. If you’re aroused by a wheelchair-bound man hurling homemade bombs at Daleks before being exterminated, seek help. Or start attending Doctor Who conventions.

Toy Story 

Nothing but high-quality family fun here, unless you let your mind wander onto Bo Peep. Underneath that prim toy shepherdess exterior she’s probably filthy, the little minx – and now your lovemaking has just ended, prematurely and unforgivably.

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