Woman rewilding groin

A WOMAN’S unruly crotch is a deliberate rewilding scheme and not a sign or laziness of neglect, she has asserted.

Eco-conscious Lucy Parry is allowing the hair on her nether areas to grow free as nature intended to help the planet, not just because it is winter, she is single and she has left all the apps.

She said: “It’s a progressive approach to personal hygiene. Which means you can’t criticise it without being a backwards, chauvinistic gammon.

“For too long I’ve been scything my pubic crop down according to the dictates of modern agriculture with nothing to show for it but a higher risk of camel toe. That’s in the past thanks to the thick, lustrous scrubland I’ve been cultivating.

“By trusting my fanny to manage itself I’ll feel some much-needed warmth and with any luck encourage biodiversity. Imagine how fulfilling it will be to have foxes or badgers scampering around down there.

“If it’s a success then I’ll rewild my armpits, legs and upper lip as well. I expect I’ll be fending off David Attenborough and Chris Packham with a stick.”

Friend Tom Logan said: “Men have been rewilding their shoulders, backs and arse cracks for decades but we don’t make a big deal about it.”

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All amendments to Rwanda bill about Gary Lineker

ALL amendments tabled to the Rwanda bill by the hard-right of the Tory party are focused on Gary Lineker, their proponents have confirmed. 

The bill begins its second reading in Parliament today with a number of amendments added by right-wing Conservatives including ‘put Lineker on the first flight’, ‘revoke his citizenship’ and ‘strip him of his England caps then tar and feather him’ vying for support.

Denys Finch Hatton, member for Boston and Skegness, said: “The government faces revolt if they don’t back these amendments. Without them there’s nothing about Lineker in the bill at all.

“As everyone knows it’s an election year, so we have to give the public what they want and fight a long, losing battle against a popular sports presenter who occasionally tweets about politics. It’s how we’re going to turn this around.

“So we’ve all added our own amendments to the Rwanda bill to bring these two great doomed Tory crusades together in the public mind. Mine is that he should be made to go bald. It’s not fair it happened to Shearer first. He’s a natural Tory.”

Other amendments to the bill include ‘All accepted asylum claims to be made Lineker’s legal responsibility’, ‘Kigali declared Gary’s house and he has to live there’ and the controversial ‘Peter Beardsley to host Match of the Day’.

However, as previously, a negligible number of Tories will back the amendments, the bill is legal nonsense anyway and none of it will ever have any effect.