Woman who hates kids pretending she won't have any for environmental reasons

A 29-YEAR-OLD woman who loathes children insists she is not going to have any purely to protect the environment.

Emma Bradford, who feels like throwing up at the mere sight of a drooling child, said: “I just feel like I’ll be okay by making the sacrifice if it’s for our planet.

“It’s overpopulated and we’re using up all our resources. It’s just plain irresponsible to bring a little f*cking shi- I mean to bring a cute little baby into this world.”

Bradford, who could not care less about the environment, added: “I prefer to, like, recycle and stuff, you know?

“I wouldn’t have time to waste – I mean time to invest in a child, anyway. There’s so many trees to plant and nature documentaries to watch. I just want to do my bit.”

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Married couple on date night not sure if they're supposed to kiss

A MARRIED couple who decided to spice things up with a ‘date night’ are unsure whether or not they should kiss.

Tom and Emma Logan have planned the date for two weeks, but neither of them can remember how it is supposed to pan out.

Emma Logan said: “I’m definitely not going to sleep with him on a first date night, but should we kiss? I can’t even remember if he has any ‘moves’.

“I’ll just wait until he walks me home, and if he doesn’t kiss me on the doorstep then I suppose we can kiss after we tuck the kids in and send the babysitter home.”

Tom Logan added: “In this ‘MeToo’ era I don’t want to do anything that might be considered inappropriate, but I also don’t want her to think that I’m not interested.

“I’ll wait for a signal, maybe some eye contact or a touch of the arm. Or I’ll just go home play Red Dead Redemption until 2am.”