Woman who seeks joy in the little things is an insufferable prick

A WOMAN capable of finding wonder in all life’s hidden gifts is an absolutely unbearable tosspot. 

Since becoming aware of the magic and joy of every moment in this marvellous world, Nikki Hollis has exhausted everyone around her by reeling off trite phrases about the delight of the present moment and buying herself flowers.

Hollis said: “I can’t even relate to how I used to live. Never pausing to appreciate the magic in each key on my computer keyboard, the timbre of a tantruming child’s screams, the wonder that is salad dressing.

“Since I started following the advice of the inspirational quotes on my fridge, every second is individual and wonderful.

“From the moment my boyfriend said ‘I’m leaving you,’ to when my best friend said ‘Are you on f**king drugs?’ they’re all equally stunning. And now I have so much more time to be alone with my gratitude journal or to listen to the beat of my own heart.”

Ex-boyfriend Jack Browne said: “We’d go out for dinner and she’d close her eyes and tell me to be quiet so she could take in the experience of sipping her tap water. Then we’d have to watch the sunset. In Lewisham.

“I now appreciate every single second that she’s not with me. It’s beautiful.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Middle-aged man in face mask trying to chat up checkout girl behind plastic screen

A MIDDLE-AGED man has decided that his face mask and an 8ft plastic screen are no barrier to chatting up a checkout girl in Tesco. 

Martin Bishop, aged 53, has spent many years ignoring hurdles such as women’s total disinterest and his unblemished record of failure so is not about to let inaudibility and a virus-proof screen put him off.

Bishop said: “I said to her, ‘Don’t be fooled, it’s not Tom Hardy in that Batman film, it’s me.’ Then I repeated it, then I repeated it again. Then I said ‘You can’t tell love, but I’m smiling.’

“She asked me to put my card on the pinger, which I interpreted as encouragement. So I said ‘Hot enough, eh?’ because she seemed a little bit slow and I wanted to give her an easy in.

“Then she asked if I was paying cash, and sighed when I started counting my coins out, and I said ‘You’re like Snow White in her glass box!’ and she sighed again so I knew I was getting through.

“It was classic banter. British conversation at its finest. Take that, Covid. You can’t stop this island’s sense of fun.”

Checkout girl Hannah Tomlinson said: “They say that all these online orders are going to get rid of our jobs. Sooner the f**king better.”