Friday, 10th July 2020

You must never discover my truly disgusting habits, says man who lives alone

A BACHELOR who lives alone in a one-bedroom flat would prefer people did not know the full sordid details of his domestic life.

Using the pseudonym ‘Tom Logan’ to preserve his anonymity, the man has admitted to gross lapses of hygiene that would cause family and friends to disown him, possibly whilst vomiting. 

‘Logan’ said: “I have not changed my bedsheets for three years. There are bits of takeaway duck in there from 2018. Last time I washed my plates, the sink was full of black mould.

“I decided, after four years, that my face flannel needed washing, so I boiled it in the kettle. Then I got drunk, forgot about it and drank rancid, soapy tea for months afterwards.

“Then there’s my special sock. It has multiple uses – a receptacle for my frequent acts of self-abuse, a general purpose household cloth, and, once it has dried out, a sock.

“There are worse things, like the used condom under the sofa and the t-shirt once used as a toilet paper substitute in an emergency which I still wear. 

“But living alone means I get to watch a lot of football. Don’t pity me. It’s a good life, all told.”