You must never discover my truly disgusting habits, says man who lives alone

A BACHELOR who lives alone in a one-bedroom flat would prefer people did not know the full sordid details of his domestic life.

Using the pseudonym ‘Tom Logan’ to preserve his anonymity, the man has admitted to gross lapses of hygiene that would cause family and friends to disown him, possibly whilst vomiting. 

‘Logan’ said: “I have not changed my bedsheets for three years. There are bits of takeaway duck in there from 2018. Last time I washed my plates, the sink was full of black mould.

“I decided, after four years, that my face flannel needed washing, so I boiled it in the kettle. Then I got drunk, forgot about it and drank rancid, soapy tea for months afterwards.

“Then there’s my special sock. It has multiple uses – a receptacle for my frequent acts of self-abuse, a general purpose household cloth, and, once it has dried out, a sock.

“There are worse things, like the used condom under the sofa and the t-shirt once used as a toilet paper substitute in an emergency which I still wear. 

“But living alone means I get to watch a lot of football. Don’t pity me. It’s a good life, all told.”


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Copy and paste inventor's gravestone has unwanted formatting

THE gravestone of the inventor of copy-and-paste contains unwanted characters including ‘Ā’ and ‘§’ because of formatting errors, it has emerged. 

The headstone for Larry Tesler, the computer scientist who created cut, paste and copy while working at Apple in the 1980s, is thought to contain the rogue symbols because formatting was carried over from a Word document. 

Mourner Joseph Turner said: “I don’t know what went wrong. It looked fine on the screen. 

“But we should have run it through Notepad or something to standardise the formatting before it went to the memorial masons, because they’ve obviously printed it out then done it from that and frankly there’s a few errors. 

“There’s paragraph indents in front of his name and his dates, the weird A-with-a-line after his name where we must have left a stray space, and that was meant to be a long dash between 1945 and 2020. Not two underscores separated by a full stop.

“Ah well. People just scan these things anyway. Sure nobody’ll notice.”