AMBER snow warnings have been issued for the UK, which sounds scary. But car journeys need not be hazardous with these simple precautions and a willingness to eat human flesh.
Ensure you have all the items on this checklist:
Raw meat
Not only is raw meat an essential source of protein, if you rub it on your face and hands it leaves a layer of grease that will protect your skin from wind chafing. Keep a bin bag full of uncooked meat in your boot at all times.
Sword
Snowy conditions bring out highwaymen, brigands and carnivores attracted by your bag of meat. If any large organism approaches your stationary vehicle wave your blade and shout: ‘I’ve got a sword and I’ll cut your f**king head off!’
A sense of adventure
According to data compiled by motoring organisations, 64 per cent of drivers lack a basic sense of romance and adventure.
Spanners
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies advises: ‘The important thing to remember if your car is stuck is that the warmest place is under the bonnet. Use spanners to remove your car’s engine then climb inside, getting into the foetal position.’
Southern deep-fried chicken seasoning
If you forget your bag of meat you will have to kill and eat your passengers and/or passers-by. There’s no point agonising about it on a moral level, and human flesh apparently tastes like chicken, so ensure you have some tasty seasoning. It won’t taste exactly like KFC, but it never does.
Crisps (beef)
Besides people, beef crisps are another excellent source of protein. The packet also serves as a distress signal if you fill it with air then stamp on it.
A phone on 11 per cent charge
If trapped in a snowdrift a phone could be the difference between life and death, so ensure yours is charged to a healthy level of, say, 11 per cent. Don’t be tempted to play Subway Surfers instead of phoning for help, as you might regret that when you have gangrene.
Microscope
A magnification device is useful for checking whether all snowflakes are indeed unique.
One of those giant kangaroo things from The Empire Strikes Back
Not everyone has access to a tauntaun but if you live in the Star Wars universe they are the ultimate snow vehicle. Unless you are riding a female one that’s in season and there’s a group of male tauntauns around, in which case it’s a nightmare.
