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Woman joyously proclaiming 'This is MY year' wrong again

A WOMAN proudly telling everyone 2026 will be when everything in her life slots into place is as wrong as she was a year ago.

Donna Sheridan, 32, is convinced that a purely numerical change in her circumstances will lead to all her personal ambitions and desires being fulfilled. Sadly there is no evidence to support this.

Sheridan said: “This will be the year my life becomes complete. I can just feel it, based on f**k all.

“I’ll meet the man of my dreams and move into his huge house, I’ll get that promotion I’ve been overlooked for for the past five years, and I wouldn’t mind betting on a substantial win on the Lottery now that I’m on a roll in the future.

“I know I said this last year, but 2025 was all about getting bad shit out of the way so that untrammelled good things can happen in 2026. Pretty sure that’s how life works.”

Astrologer Mary Fisher said: “I’ve consulted the stars and I can confirm that Donna’s life will remain mostly unchanged, and fairly shit. We call that destiny, or being a lazy, unfocused cow.

“If anything things will get worse for Donna in 2026 due to an incredibly freak accident in June involving a large plastic statue of Gandalf. You gotta laugh.”

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'Thx in advance': Twattery your co-workers are getting right back in your face with

YOU’RE back in the office, and your colleagues are so consistently annoying it feels as if you’ve never been away. Here is the tiresome behaviour you can expect today…

Vile toilet noises

After a week or so of your own toilet, you’re back to sitting in a cattle stall being treated to the sounds and smells of your colleagues’ bowel movements. And the bloke in the next cubicle appears to be birthing a bowling ball made of excrement. His eventual orgasmic groans of relief are of little comfort to you.

‘Thx in advance’ and other crappy emails 

A colleague is thanking you for something you haven’t done yet, which, let’s be honest, is just saying: ‘MAKE SURE YOU DO WHAT I HAVE ORDERED YOU TO, SCUM!’ At least being talked down to makes you feel something, unlike the important news that the canteen is offering a bacon and brie panini. Sadly your co-worker Bryan is really excited about it. He should kill himself.

The person next to you donning earphones

Colleagues fishing out headphones is great for suggesting you’re cyborg workers in a sci-fi dystopia, permanently plugged into and enslaved by The Machine. But what’s worse is the very strong message ‘I really do not want to talk to you’. How did they know you were going to tell them in massive, excited detail how good Andor is?

Being hot but unattainable

Admittedly this isn’t the fault of an attractive co-worker, but it’s depressing to know you’ll never sleep with Shelley, however devastatingly witty your jokes about the paper recycling bins are. And you’re not deluding yourself that love will blossom this year because you thought that in 2018. Shit, have you been here that long? You’ve wasted your life as well as not getting your leg over.

Disturbing insights into your colleagues’ lives

Occasionally colleagues will share personal details you have no idea how to respond to, usually about their sex lives, intimate medical issues or their weird relationships. You were spared this risk over Christmas, but now Gary is free to inform you ‘So I thought I’d try one of them prostate massagers…’ while you’re trying to eat a Twix.

Beyond-mindless workplace admin

An officious email informs you that the delivery bay will be closed from 8am to 2pm on Sunday 15th February. You didn’t even know the building was open at weekends. How much time have you spent skimming and forgetting useless information like this, the equivalent of learning that cheese sales in Antwerp were down four per cent in 1832?

Leaving to have a baby

Well, that’s nice, assuming they don’t give birth to a notorious serial killer or genocidal dictator of the future. However after years of such announcements you’re still unsure how this very personal life event for Sally and her partner is connected to the office. Should you be present at the birth with insulated jugs of tea and coffee and a plastic carton of tuna mayonnaise sandwiches to hand out as the baby’s head emerges?

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