NO-ONE wants to look as if they’re selling sexual services at a New Year’s gathering, so if you’re a woman paranoid about her outfit use our checklist:
Are you showing too much cleavage?
You thought that slightly low-cut top was perfect for a party. Now your self-consciousness is telling you it would be better for a street corner. Avoid further embarrassment by immediately telling any man you’re introduced to: ‘I’m not giving you oral without a condom for ten quid.’
Is that off-the-shoulder top too risque?
You are brazenly flaunting your most intimate of erogenous zones, your shoulders, so don’t be surprised if someone asks you how much you charge for anal. That could easily happen at a painfully middle-class New Year’s Eve gathering serving M&S Mexican nibbles to avoid being confused with cheese-and-pineapple-on-a-stick-eating scum.
Is it obvious you have breasts?
Is that clingy jumper revealing that you, a woman, have breasts? Frankly you may as well have just gone down the docks in fishnet stockings and a leather miniskirt and caught VD off multiple sailors.
Are you wearing slutty heels?
Those towering stilettos are what a high-class hooker would wear when meeting a rich client in a luxury hotel. Or at least that’s what your modest three-inch heels look like in your fevered imagination. In reality you probably won’t be required to service the depraved sexual tastes of a Saudi prince, as they tend not to hang out in pubs in Macclesfield hoping for a snog and a feel at midnight.
Do those trousers leave nothing to the imagination?
An attack of camel toe is an embarrassing wardrobe error rather than an attempt to tout for trade, but it could be interpreted as advertising your wares. Still, if the party is flagging, people will find your pudenda far more compelling viewing than Ronan Keating and Friends on BBC1.
Does that cropped top say ‘crack whore’?
Does your top showing a small amount of midriff make you look exactly like Julia Roberts as a streetwalker in Pretty Woman, complete with thigh-length boots and microskirt? Yes. But since your imagination is now completely out of control there’s also a chance an unfeasibly nice millionaire will want to do an Eliza Doolittle on you, so don’t go home and change.
