Evening Standard to be paper for busy Londoners who love coke, says Osborne

THE London Evening Standard will feature an indispensable weekly guide to crazy parties where all kinds of stuff goes on.

New editor George Osborne set out his plans to make the paper ‘as relevant and useful as possible to its readers’.

He added: “London-based professionals are extremely busy people with their fingers in lots of different pies.

“They need an easy-to-use guide to those special places and events that may or may not feature top quality coke and wild, crazy hookers that are both available 24 hours a day.

“The reviews will include star ratings out of five as well as a ‘Champagne Charlie Party of the Month’ competition.”

He added: “By the way, does anyone know how to edit a newspaper?”

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Couple’s wedding theme is ‘Look how rich our parents are’

AN engaged couple have decided to theme their upcoming wedding around their parents’ vast wealth.

Nikki Hollis and Julian Cook toyed with several motifs, including their shared love of snowboarding and Dubai breaks, before settling on a celebration of their family finances.

Hollis said: “Well, they are spending more than £130,000 on the day, so it just seemed an honest one that everyone could have fun with.

“The invitations are embossed with images of our family homes, we’ve ordered a cake shaped like Tom’s dad’s yacht and my dad’s speech will dwell on wonderful moments we’ve had in luxury destinations around the world.

“There’s a free bar with trained mixologists, continuing the theme of abundant money, and all the wedding cars will be borrowed from our next-door neighbour in Buckinghamshire. Who’s Jamiroquai.”

The pair added that, in keeping with their theme, they will eschew the fashionable sentiment that guests’ presence is enough.

Hollis said: “Fuck that. The wedding list starts at £500.”