‘Fake news’ to be delightful and fun

IF FAKE news is going to be spread anyway it should be about lovely, happy, fluffy things, researchers have proved. 

The Institute for Studies has shown that real news is bad enough already, and therefore all fake news from now on must be unbelievably delightful.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “If the ‘news’ on social media is just whatever bullshit anyone shares, then instead of ‘Muslims in council-backed halal Easter outrage’ why not ‘Puppies discover limitless cold fusion energy source’?

“A story we wrote about David Bowie jumping out of a cake at a butterfly farm wearing a lovely woolly jumper with ‘Tricked you!’ on it has been shared five million times already.

“It’s not true, but neither is ‘Benefits family in 12-bedroom house on £6m a year’ and ours makes you feel all gooey and warm inside.”

He added: “We’ve got ‘Trident replaced by cute ducklings’, ‘New wonder drug cures everything’ which is in the Express tomorrow, and ‘Take anything you fancy from my palaces, Queen tells Britons’.

“Oh, and Brexit. Surprisingly, there’s a real audience for fake news that’s just outrageously positive about Brexit.”

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Radio 4 listener to spend whole of Desert Island Discs pretending not to know who Beckham is

A RADIO 4 listener is to feign puzzlement about David Beckham’s identity throughout his appearance on Desert Island Discs. 

Eleanor Shaw of Uttoxeter will deliberately miss the opening announcement of the former footballer’s name, then spend the hour following making ridiculous guesses as to his identity.

She said: “His song choices are very hip hop and he broke through in the 90s so for a while I assumed it was modern dance choreographer Matthew Barney, but he’s gay and this one is married to someone called Victoria.

“One of the Young British Artists, perhaps? He mentioned Brooklyn, so a novelist? I’m baffled. I simply don’t pay attention to these tabloid people.”

Shaw added: “David Beckham? No, I’ve heard the name but I couldn’t put a face to it.

“Now if you’ll excuse me I must go and comment ‘who is this person?’ under a Guardian article about Rihanna.”