Man being oppressed by black families in supermarket adverts

A MAN is living in fear of fictional black families in adverts who are abnormally happy about their supermarket purchases.

Stephen Malley says his life is being ruined by black actors pretending shopping at a supermarket is a life-affirming family experience, although the exact harm they are causing him is unclear.

Malley said: “This week I saw a black family in a Tesco advert, another in Waitrose, and one in Sainsbury’s. If you ask me there’s too many of them coming here and appearing in our supermarket ads.

“It’s practically illegal these days to be a white family played by actors whose mundane purchases of cheese, Toilet Duck and flavourless battery-farmed chicken somehow bring them closer together and help them make up after arguments.

“Indigenous white people enjoy buying cooking oil, multipacks of baked beans and frozen ready meals too. Actually they don’t. I hate doing the big shop. It’s a pain in the arse.”

Despite claiming he was “just saying what a lot of people are thinking”, Bishop was unable to give a specific example of how black advert families had a detrimental effect on his life, except that they “might buy all the Cornettos”.

A Sainsbury’s spokesperson said: “We at Sainsbury’s want to show our commitment to diversity and ending racial divisions, and we’re doing that by encouraging more people to buy Hellmann’s in a squeezy bottle.

“Modern society is a melting pot, speaking of which Pot Noodles are on offer right now, so why not pop some in your trolley for a quick and tasty no-fuss snack? It’s what Martin Luther King would have wanted.”

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Pineapple on pizza, and other furious debates sane people don't give a shit about

BEEN sucked into one of those pointless arguments about something utterly trivial? Maybe you should learn from well-adjusted people with actual lives, who don’t give a shit.

Pineapple on pizza

It might challenge tradition, but it’s hardly the personality-defining red flag that people on dating apps think it is. Although if someone likes their toppings to include pieces of Toblerone or a sprinkling of Tic Tacs, that’s cause for concern. But pineapple pizza is only slightly quirky, and what does ‘winning’ this argument involve? Prison sentences for all Hawaiian pizza eaters? Seems a bit harsh for liking a pizza topping.

Everything to do with scones

Scones are a powder keg of debate for boring people who are yet to encounter genuine life problems. Who cares how they’re pronounced? What difference does it make how you lay on the jam and cream? It’s all going to be churned up in your mouth in a matter of seconds so it’s not worth worrying about. And to settle the debate, they’re pronounced ‘scoans’.

Where the North begins

Due to the lack of a towering rampart spanning the width of the country with ‘Here be the North’ daubed on it in massive letters, the divide is somewhat nebulous. And that’s before tedious pricks from the midlands weigh in with their useless whinging. The best way to settle this age-old debate is to not think about it. In any case the answer is well-known if you’re a Southern ponce – it’s a straight horizontal line just above Watford.

What bread rolls are called

Imagine having enough free time that you get incensed by regional terms for a bread roll. If you refer to them as cobs, power to you. Prefer to call them barm cakes? That’s cool as well. Language is a multi-faceted wonder so enjoy its vast vocabulary. For example, people who get riled up about bread rolls are morons, bellends, cretins, halfwits, knobheads, shitheads – and that’s just a tiny fraction of the rich language of the Bard.

How to hang toilet paper

Installing toilet roll so that a sheet hangs over the top makes slightly more sense in terms of aesthetics and functionality, but it’s hardly the end of the world if bog paper faces the other way round. Just be grateful it’s there at all and start wiping. It’s those bulky, locked dispensers that are always clogged up you should be mad about. Jesus, you could punch the f**king wall just thinking about them.