May confident Britain’s rabid, insane press will never turn on her

THE prime minister remains secure in her belief that Britain’s frothing, maniacal tabloids will always be on her side, no matter what. 

Theresa May, who has looked approvingly on while the press has declared the judiciary traitors, fellow politicians saboteurs and agitated for war with Spain, knows that they would never do anything to hurt her.

She said: “The Daily Mail’s just a big softy really.

“Certainly it’s horrendously brutal towards opposition leaders, and foreigners, and Scotland, and the poor, and any Tories who disagree with it even slightly, savaging anyone who crosses it even slightly, but it wouldn’t do that to me.

“I’m confident that even if I didn’t get exactly the Brexit deal it wants and we have to allow some immigration to keep our industries going, it’d understand and wouldn’t without warning go for my throat, not stopping until I was dead.

“We’re not just a vicious, neo-fascist media giant and its current pet politician. We’re genuinely friends.”

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Snap election 'suggests the shit will have really hit the fan by 2020'

THE timing of the snap election proves that the shit will have seriously hit the fan by May 2020, experts have confirmed.

Analyst Denys Finch-Hatton said the only good reason for Theresa May to go to the country now is if Britain will be ‘so fucked post-Brexit that people might even vote Corbyn’.

He added: “Facing no opposition in parliament, high in the polls with the media behind her, May has no motive for this election unless she’s seen the same doom-laden projections I have.

“She’s obviously calculated that a vote now, while there are still schools and before NHS doctors tell you to bite down on a rag while they saw your leg off, offers more chance of victory.

“If she wins this one she’s fine until 2022, by which time the population will have halved and legalising vigilante mobs will be the key electoral issue.

“Or hey, maybe it’ll all be fine. That could happen too.”