Mums ever so grateful to Daily Mail for parenting tips

MOTHERS across Britain have thanked the Daily Mail for always pointing out that they are doing every single fucking thing wrong. 

Whether working full-time, staying at home with their kids, single, married, young, old or gay, the newspaper is always there, reminding them that any perceived failings in their children are entirely their fault.

Mother-of-three Emma Bradford said: “I work part-time, which means I’m guilty of both abandoning my children like a feminazi and smothering them like a helicopter parent.

“Obviously I don’t want my children to be obese, like a bad mother, but nor should I be ferrying them to sports clubs all the time like an obsessive tiger mom living for her children’s achievements.

“Basically whatever I do will ruin my children and I’ll be to blame. Meanwhile fathers are required to do nothing, and if I ever ask then he’ll have an affair.

“So thanks, Daily Mail for making me a better mother. By which I mean go fuck yourself.”

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Woman incapable of drinking entire mug of tea

A WOMAN who appears normal in every other respect is unable to drink more than two-thirds of a mug of tea.

Joanna Kramer of Swindon enthusiastically makes and orders mugs of tea but is apparently unable to consume a full one, regardless of the size of the vessel.

Partner Tom Logan said: “I’ve tried only filling the mug two-thirds full. But then she only drinks two-thirds of that.

“Just two more sips and it’d all be over, but she can’t do it. Does she have a problem letting go? Or is she afraid of seeing the bottoms of cups?

“I’ve got used to it – I don’t even ask the question any more – but friends and waitresses still ask if she’s done only to be dismissed with a wave of the hand and a ‘it’s finished’.

“Oddly, she has no problem whatsoever draining a full glass of wine. Or a bottle.”