New lifestyle magazine aimed at men who shun material possessions

NEW magazine Men’s Ascetic is focused on the niche market of men who reject worldly goods and pleasures for a more spiritual path.

The publication hopes to capture the demographic of men, aged between 18 and 65, who have turned away from the blandishments of women and big watches to walk the earth unfettered by possessions.

Publisher Tom Logan said: “If you like to spend more than £300 on jeans there are countless magazines out there for you, but if you like to spend 10-12 hours a day meditating there’s nothing.

Men’s Ascetic is aimed at the monks, the wandering kung fu experts, the mystical gurus and the lifelong celibates whose physical forms are mere shells, but who still like something to read on the toilet.”

The latest issue has features on the illusion of time, Europe’s 16 best places to avoid meeting the gaze of a woman and the emptiness of magazine features only designed to keep us from contemplating death.

But hermit Joseph Turner complained: “We’re on the third issue and they’ve already had Buddha on the cover twice. Not everyone can have a figure like his.

“Unfortunately, living in a moutaintop subsisting on edible roots and lugging rocks around for a crude shelter has given me absolutely incredible abs.”

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Jail term for spinning really fast on office chair

PEOPLE who use a swivel chair to make themselves dizzy face up to three years in prison.

The Psychoactive Substances Bill, announced in the Queen’s Speech, also bans hanging upside down off a bed until your head goes funny, pushing your knuckles into your eyelids to create a psychedelic lightshow and fevers above 39 degrees centigrade.

Home secretary Theresa May said: “Maybe you and your so-called friends think it’s funny to spin around on a chair and then stagger across the office like a moron before collapsing headfirst into a really expensive printer and breaking your nose and losing three of your teeth.

“But all you’re doing is setting yourself up for a life of heroin and really manky toilets and no job and therefore no office chair to spin around on like a total maniac.

“You probably think I’m a killjoy but I speak from experience. I tried to spin on my office chair once but I absolutely whacked my knee on the desk. Not only did it hurt like a bastard, it changed me. I hate everyone now.”

May also said that anyone lying on their arm until it goes dead then using it to pretend someone else is touching their genitals will be classed as a sex offender.