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Please stop calling me 'the Beast of Birkenhead', says Beast of Birkenhead

THE man cleared of being the Beast of Birkenhead has requested that everyone stop referring to him as ‘the Beast of Birkenhead’ from now on. 

After being freed from the longest miscarriage of justice in British history, the Beast of Birkenhead has asked if the media and country could from now on refer to him by his given name and not the inaccurate yet memorable title created by the media.

The Beast of Birkenhead said: “It’s Peter Sullivan. If you could splash that across all the front pages in huge letters next to the word ‘innocent’, I’d really appreciate it.

“I recognise it’s not as attention-grabbing but it is accurate, which it has in common with the overturning of my guilty verdict. It’s not like everyone feels duty-bound to refer to Oscar Pistorious as a gold-winning Paralympian, is it? People change.

“How about a snappy nickname related to my being exonerated after 38 years? Maybe ‘Saint Peter Sullivan’ or ‘The Man Merseyside Police F**ked Over’? Any chance of getting the tabloid headline writers to have a go at that?”

A Sun journalist said: “But if we don’t call him the Beast of Birkenhead nobody will know who he is. A random wrong-place-wrong-time innocent won’t sell papers.

“How about ‘the former Beast of Birkenhead’? Can’t say fairer than that.”

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Woman realises personal trainer is her own individual PE teacher

A WOMAN who hired a personal trainer had no idea she was summoning a PE teacher for whom she is the lone fat, lazy bastard in the class. 

36-year-old Joanna Kramer engaged the trainer to lose a stone before summer, only to find herself being told she was not going anywhere until she had climbed right to the top of the rope.

She said: “I thought it would be like therapy, where I pay someone to talk about myself and they have to be kind and understanding. But no.

“Instead of light workouts where my heartrate rose more because of my fit instructor than the exercise, I was being shouted at on a treadmill by a burly man who blew a whistle in my face and told me I’d let myself down, him down and the entire gym down.

“He’s mean, he barks orders, and he gave me a proper bollocking when he saw me on CCTV having a Greggs in the car park. Sometimes when I go home afterwards I cry.

“I tried to get out of it last week by saying it was my period, but he demanded a letter from my mum and when I didn’t have one made me do an extra ten minutes on the elliptical stepper. I’m not allowed to call it the cross-trainer. He shouts.”

At time of press, Kramer was hiding in the toilets vaping and instructing other gymgoers not to tell anyone she was there.

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