Woman chooses coffee over safeguarding future of The Guardian

A WOMAN offered the chance to support the Guardian for ‘less than the price of a weekly coffee’ has chosen the coffee.

Emma Bradford was browsing The Guardian website, as she does every morning, when she saw the appeal for contributions to offset the paper’s dwindling sales and advertising revenues.

She said: “Apparently I can help fund its incisive journalism for just a fiver per month, which apparently is less than my weekly coffee.

“However it’s not like I can just press a button on my computer and make coffee squirt out for free, while the Guardian costs me fuck all.

“Although I like Peter Bradshaw’s witty film reviews, they don’t give me the sweaty, jaw-clenching Starbucks-rush I need to stop myself collapsing with exhaustion.

“It seems the clear winner here is the caffeinated drink.”

However Bradford was later partially swayed by a picture of everyone in the Guardian newsroom looking clever in their spectacles.

She added: “I’m not giving them money for nothing but if they brought out a product I would buy it. Maybe a Guardian energy drink, or a Guardian eco-monster truck.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Indian takeaway includes bag of disgusting-looking 'salad' for some reason

AN INDIAN takeaway includes a small plastic bag of hideous-looking chopped vegetables for some unknown reason.

Tom Logan received his food order from Zaffron Takeaway and found that along with the nice food he’d ordered he was also receiving a tiny bag mostly containing long-deceased chopped onion.

Unpacking his delivery, Logan said:“Chicken rogan josh – brilliant. Palak paneer – great.

“A small bag of decaying onion and shrivelled bits of cucumber – weird as fuck. 

“It looks that bad that even the dog wouldn’t eat it, and he eats dog food.

“I’ve no idea why they stick that thing in there. Maybe I owe them money for a garlic naan and it’s some sort of veiled threat, like when that guy in the The Godfather gets a horse’s head in his bed.”

A spokesman for Zaffron Takeaway said: “We considered including a battered old doll’s head as the free random thing but decided it was not weird enough.”