Organ Swapping Parties Sweep Suburbia

SUBURBAN Britain is being swept by a kinky new craze for organ swapping, the Daily Mash can reveal. 

Swinging couples are queuing up for invites to the anything goes orgies where you arrive with your own kidneys but leave with those of someone else’s husband or wife. Lungs, hearts, prostates and livers are all being swapped by thrill-seeking suburbanites.

Ted Grazely, 56, and his wife Enid have been enthusiastic organ-swappers for the past two years after being introduced to the craze by neighbours Bob and Carol Timmins.

“At first it seemed like any normal evening at the Timmins, we sat around drinking gin and tonic, there were Pringles™ everywhere, and I fully expected to end up in bed with Carol as usual,” said Mr Grazely.

“But then Bob drew a picture of his pancreas on a card, wrote his name on the back and threw it in a bowl in the centre of the room, as did everyone else.

“Soon as I worked out what was happening I whipped out my pen and threw my small intestine into the pot.”

He added: “Next thing I know, I’m upstairs with Judy McLean from number 23, a set of borrowed steak knives and a bottle of chloroform.

“There is just something incredibly exciting about going home with another man’s wife’s lungs.”

Mrs Grazely, also 56, said organ swapping had electrified the couple’s marriage and transformed her husband into a new man.

She said: “He’s picked up two new kidneys, a decent spleen and a fantastic prostate gland which had hardly been used at all.

“Not only is his breath much fresher but he can get through an entire night without having a piss.”

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Ritz Hotel Was Hoovered The Night Diana Died

THE Ritz Hotel in Paris was being hoovered less than an hour before Princess Diana died, according to dramatic video footage.

Security cameras at the luxury hotel recorded a 51 year-old Algerian woman running a hoover over the first floor landing as the Princess and Dodi Al Fayed were about to embark on their fateful car journey.

The hoovering footage, shown to the Diana inquest jury in London, will fuel speculation that there was a conspiracy to murder the Princess and raise important new questions about why the Ritz management was so deeply concerned about the state of the first floor carpets.

Bill McKay, a security analyst, said: "If you look closely you can clearly see a back and forth sweeping motion.

"I think that's an Electrolux, and if it is then that's the clearest evidence so far of a conspiracy.

"Configured correctly an upright Electrolux emits a low, almost inaudible vibration which will explode the brakes of any Mercedes S-Class parked within a five hundred yard radius."

The historic images also show paparazzi waiting outside the Ritz, Diana and Dodi enjoying some of the hotel's most luxurious lifts and a trio of MI6 agents pinning chauffeur Henri Paul to the ground and pumping him full of brandy and paracetamol.

Later footage shows Sir Patrick Dempsey, the deputy head of MI6, performing a comedy tapdance in the lobby in a bid to distract guests while a six-foot long Car Crash Causing Machine is smuggled out the front door under a blanket.