19-year-old heterosexual couple referring to each other as 'partners'

A PAIR of 19-year-olds who have barely been together for six months are referring to each other as ‘partners’, it has emerged.

Loving couple Lucy Parry and Jack Browne are absolutely smitten with one another, but consider the usual terminology ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ to be beneath them.

Parry said: “We’re older now, and moving forward in life. We’ve even talked about marriage. So referring to Jack as my ‘boyfriend’ just seems a bit… I don’t know, secondary school? And we left last year.

“‘Partner’ just sounds so much more glamorous and intriguing. I also get to play with the mystery of what gender the person I’m going out with is, even though I’m very boringly heterosexual.

“When my parents aren’t home it really does feel like we are adults with our own place. We make dinner together, and then sit down to eat and discuss our days. Do we tidy up? No, I can’t work the dishwasher.”

Browne said: “We’re in a mature, committed relationship because we’re adults. I don’t even wank anymore. Well, except on Wednesday evenings, when Sophie goes to her hula hoop class.”

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Smoke alarm still unable to tell the difference between blazing inferno and toast

SCIENTISTS are no closer to developing a smoke alarm capable of discerning between toasting bread and a raging fire, they have admitted.

Despite years of trying, humanity is still unable to create an appliance that does not automatically lose its shit 30 seconds after a bagel is popped down into the toaster.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Unfortunately, despite pouring millions into research and development, we are unable to achieve this apparently simple task.

“While, to the human nose, there is a world of difference between a gently warming crumpet and a raging fire that is about to raze your home to ashes, we cannot create a fire alarm capable of telling the difference.

“Until we have a breakthrough, as a species we’re doomed to keep frantically flapping tea towels and jabbing broom handles at them while feeling like our ears are about to start bleeding.”

Renter Lucy Parry said: “I disconnected mine the second I moved in, even though I’m in breach of my tenancy, breaking the law and putting my life in danger.

“But I’m f**ked if I’m clambering up on a chair to press the little button and switch it off every time I fancy a Pop Tart.”