Air fryer is third member of couple's relationship

A COUPLE have announced that their relationship now involves a third party: their air fryer. 

Jack and Eleanor Browne admitted that ever since the 7.6 litre, dual zone Ninja Air fryer entered their lives just before Christmas, they have grown to love it as much as they love each other.

Jack said: “I love Ellie, but the air fryer satisfies me in ways she can’t. She can’t make crispy chicken wings, perfect every time, with barely any oil. She’d admit that herself.”

Eleanor agreed: “The heart works in mysterious ways. After a long conversation about how all its parts are dishwasher-safe, we held hands and said ‘It’s time.’ We have invited a third into our happiness.

“The air fryer is on the wifi, has its own profile on Netflix, we’re adding it to the joint account and I’ve crocheted it a little cosy. I love watching it on the monitor at night. Knowing it’s safe and can cook a lasagne in 18 minutes.”

Friend Francesca Johnson said: “Yeah. I remember the evening they formally invited me round to meet their George Foreman grill.”

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Man smashing Dry Veganuary has advantage of already being boring prick

A BORING bastard is finding not drinking or eating animal products for a month exceptionally easy because of his personal qualities. 

Joseph Turner, aged 34, already a largely teetotal vegetarian, challenged himself to give up alcohol and animal products simultaneously in what adds up to a minor lifestyle change for the ardent dullard.

He said: “I thought it would be something to do – or not do, haha – while my chess and prog rock clubs are both on hiatus.

“Swapping my usual low-fat cheese for vegan cheese has been a real adventure, and finding alcohol-free alternatives to the half-pint of porter I usually sip every Saturday night is a challenge I’m not taking lightly.

“Could I do it forever? Maybe. We’ll see where I am at the end of the month. On the first of February I’ll definitely treat myself to an M&S halloumi wrap and a pear cider, though.”

Colleague Lauren Hewitt, who has worked with Turner since 2018, said: “I thought he was already vegan. Or, like, allergic to everything? I don’t know, I don’t really know the guy.”