Anal sex no better than ordinary sex, just ruder

IT has finally been confirmed that anal sex is no more enjoyable than regular sex, just significantly more uncouth.

For millennia, men have been irresistibly drawn to illicit sex involving their partner’s anus, awarding it a hallowed status within the hierarchy of sexual acts.

But research has revealed that the only real appeal of doing it ‘up the arse’ is that it is much ruder than conventional vaginal penetration.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies, said: “Since the dawn of time, men have wanted to stick their dicks in strange and exciting places. Where better than the arsehole?

“At any given moment, millions of men worldwide are begging their girlfriends for it, but investigations show they’re not as into the act as the thrill of being so vulgar.

“If they actually wanted it so badly, they’d do it with blokes. They don’t. QED.”

Eleanor Shaw, aged 28, is regularly pestered for anal. She said: “It’s really f**king annoying. He’s always banging on about it but when I finally buckle neither of us walks away wowed.

“I get that it’s hot in theory. But in practice it’s an ill-mannered faff.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

First Holly now Carol, sob bereaved, horny dads

FATHERS still mourning the loss of Holly Willoughby from their screens are devastated to learn they have now been robbed of Carol Vorderman as well.

The former Countdown host’s decision to leave the BBC has come as a body blow to sexually frustrated fathers who prefer their fantasy figures to come wrapped in anodyne entertainment formats.

Father of two Wayne Hayes, aged 51, said: “The loss of one bit of tasty telly eye candy is bad enough, but two? This truly is our 9/11.

“Where else am I meant to get my fill of suggestive light entertainment presenters now? Susanna Reid’s still got it but she’s too serious, plus she’s usually next to erection-killers like Ed Balls or Richard Madeley.”

48-year-old Martin Bishop said: “Carol’s firebrand left-wing politics and huge bust made her the equivalent of Page 3’s News In Briefs for centrist dads.

“My tears for Holly had barely dried when I heard the tragic news about Carol, and now the floodgates have been opened once again. Looks like I took off my black armband too soon.

“My wife tried to console me with Nigella’s upcoming Christmas special coming up and Carol Kirkwood on the weather. But they won’t last. The good things never do.”