Ask women questions about themselves on dates but for Christ's sake not these

WOMEN love to be asked questions about themselves on dates, but avoid these unless you want to go home alone again.

‘What’s a fun fact about you?’

Women want to be wooed on a date, not feel like they’re sitting through a tedious corporate ice-breaker session. If the conversation reaches this dead end, call it a night already because you are categorically not in there. Mistress Pornhub and your right hand await.

‘What do you think of my crazy exes?’

A double-whammy of douchebag behaviour. Even though you’re asking for her opinion, you’re actually just steering the conversation back to your favourite topic: you. Also the adjective you’ve used to describe your ex-girlfriends is a massive red flag. Are they all crazy, or do they all share some mysterious common denominator?

‘What’s your blood type?’

Credit where it’s due, this isn’t a boring question like, ‘How many siblings do you have?’ On the downside, it’s so weirdly invasive that you’re going to sound like you want to harvest her organs. Why do you even need to know? Are you going to have to perform an emergency transfusion before seeing the dessert menu? Creep.

‘Do you normally wear makeup?’

This will come across in one of two ways. Either it’ll seem like you think she’s a disgusting hag underneath her layers of foundation, or it’ll sound like you think she should wear layers of foundation because she’s a disgusting hag. Cover your arse by saying she looks much better without it. This always goes down well.

‘Can I see a picture of your mum?’

If a woman tells you she’s got her mum’s eyes, take her word for it. Do not ask to be provided with photographic evidence. Not only does it sound like you think she’s a liar, your date also knows you want to check out her mum to see what she’ll look like in a few decades.

‘What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?’

You’re tempting fate with this one. If you’ve asked any of the above then you’re forcing her to be brutally honest. That’s if she ever comes back from the bathroom. It’s been half an hour now and there’s no sign of her. Is it normal for someone to take their coat with them to the toilet, you wonder.

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Five reasons you have a bookcase that are nothing to do with reading

YOU have not read a book since secondary school, so why do you have a shelf full of them? These are the non-reading related reasons.

Looking clever

Have you really read Ulysses, Gravity’s Rainbow and Infinite Jest? Or do you just want to project an intellectual air for when visitors pop round? It’s the latter, of course, because you’ve given away how thick you really are by shelving them in a colour-coordinated way. Properly smart people leave books piled up in mounds on the floor.

A dumping ground for unwanted gifts

Just like DVDs before streaming came along and ruined it, books are the perfect gift to give to someone you don’t really know or like. That’s why everyone has been offloading them onto you for as long as you can remember. You felt guilty binning them and the charity shop was a bit too far away, so now you’ve got a bookcase full of the bloody things.


Books are thick, papery blocks which do a good job of blocking out the cold, which will come in handy this winter because you’re sure as f**k not putting the heating on. Their pages are great for fuelling fires too, but people tend to get a bit sensitive about that so it’s not worth the risk.

Zoom background

Most book spines are too small to read via Zoom, meaning they just all blend into a pleasantly abstract pattern of slim, colourful rectangles. All except for your Harry Potter books which stand out a mile off and make you look like an overgrown child. Your boss will use this against you when the next redundancy phase comes around.

Detritus camouflage

Shelving space is filled with even more random shit than all the other cluttered surfaces in your disgusting home, so the presence of books helps to distract from a handful of batteries, a scented candle and a long-forgotten cup of tea. If you could take the edge off all the clothes lying on your bedroom floor by throwing a few paper backs at them, you would.