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Couple on third date have already shared all their best stories

A COUPLE meeting up for the third time have already exhausted all the entertaining anecdotes they have to share.

Despite having only been on three dates, potential partners Jack Browne and Lauren Hewitt have already discussed the highlights of their respective lives and now have nothing of interest left to say to each other.

Browne said: “I thought my horizon-expanding trip to Japan would sustain at least a few months of dates. But Lauren’s already glazing over when I talk about riding the Shinkansen to Buddhist temples.

“The time I ran a marathon? Blown on the first date. As was the tale of when I thought I’d won the lottery. I should have known to keep something gripping in reserve, but I was just so pathetically desperate to maintain her attention.

“Now all I’ve got left to discuss is what happened to me during my actual daily life, which is boring as f**k. I’ll save Lauren the hassle of ghosting me by dumping her now.”

Hewitt said: “Jack’s being hasty, we can create our own fun stories. They’ll bring us closer together and when we break up we’ll have something to tell our next dates about.”

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How I intend to out-macho every army in the entire world, by Pete Hegseth

AM I being too macho in my handling of the war with Iran? No. Here’s how I plan to make the US military not just the most powerful in the world, but also the most toxically masculine. 

Stupider names for soldiers 

You may have noticed that I call our guys ‘warfighters’ because ‘soldiers’ isn’t macho enough. However I feel we could come up with something even more aggressive, like ‘totally badass death reapers’. I don’t think that will undermine the gravity of the situation.

Testosterone injections 

Testosterone builds the muscles and erratic behaviour men need, so I’m making all our warfighters inject themselves daily with 40 times the amount of testosterone produced by the average 17-year-old. Their levels of aggression are excellent, although we are having problems with pilots missing targets due to masturbating during bombing runs.

More war clichés

I’ve already said ‘War is hell’ and it felt great. Soon I intend to say ‘The only good Iranian is a dead Iranian’ and I’m currently authorising the use of napalm on civilian targets so I can say ‘I love the smell of napalm in the morning’. And yes, I will be shirtless to show off my supposedly ripped torso which actually has weird flabby bits.

More pull-ups 

Pull-ups are the true measure of your worth as a man. I can do 50 with ease, and all military personnel will be expected to be able to do the same. All those YouTube videos of me desperately struggling to to get my chin anywhere near the bar are fake news.

Military funerals to celebrate war more

As I’ve already explained, death is inevitable in war, so stop hassling me about it. I also feel that sad military funerals are bad PR, so let’s make them a celebration of US military might. The pastor can give the service from the cockpit of an F-35 parked next to the grave, and as the coffin is lowered into the ground everyone can rock out to Kenny Loggins’ Danger Zone.

No more pussy ‘facts’

Real men rely on their instincts and refuse to get bogged down in sissy details like ‘facts’. Yesterday I claimed an Iranian guy had tried to assassinate Trump but strangely no one had heard of it until then. Was that a lie? It doesn’t matter now we’re not doing facts anymore.

All warfighters to get cool names

In films military personnel have macho nicknames like Mad Dog, Animal Mother and Hangman, but in real life they’re just called Gary and John. So as of today all warfighters will have their names legally changed to something tougher-sounding. From now on I’d thank you to call me Iceman Maverick.

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