subscribe
/ Sign Out

Couple tried for baby five times last night

A COUPLE trying for a baby tried a creditable five times in the last 24 hours using a variety of techniques, they have confirmed. 

Nicky Hollis and Tom Booker, who have decided the time is right for them to have a child, did not cease trying until both of them were sore, spent and thoroughly satisfied at around 1am.

Hollis said: “Well, when you’re trying you’re trying, aren’t you? No point in half-measures. We’re trying good and bloody hard.

“We’re ready for kids, we’ve got the dog, the mortgage and the king-sized bed, and I’m in my 30s so I’m not taking any chances. What if I don’t get pregnant because we’d not done reverse cowgirl? I’d regret it.

“So we’ve covered all bases: missionary, doggystyle, spooning, him pulling my hair and spanking me, and me giving him a little loving choke. For future generations.”

Booker agreed: “We’re dedicated to continuing our lineage, and that gets me bang hard, which is why we’ve been going at it like rabbits in f**k season. I want to give my swimmers every chance to do their thing.

“Trying for a baby is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. God, I hope it takes a few months.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Barratt Homes admit they've no idea where the houses come from, who is building them or why

BARRATT Homes have confessed they have no idea who designs, builds or orders their identical housing estates or why they keep appearing everywhere.

The construction giant, responsible for hundreds of new-build estates that seemingly materialise overnight, has admitted the processes involved are a total mystery to it.

A spokesperson said: “We buy the land and the houses appear, all the same, all creepily close together. We’re baffled as to how.

“We didn’t even plan to be a housing company. We bought a plot of land to graze ponies. But then, one day, these little brick boxes popped up from nowhere, like crop circles filled with MDF.

“From a distance they look like liveable homes but close-up, each one’s slightly off. Bedrooms too small for beds, six toilets but no wardrobes, tiny gardens that are nothing but rubble below the surface. Like an alien’s idea of a human home.

“We only tried to sell them out of desperation and then people bought them for shitloads. We couldn’t believe it. I know there’s a housing crisis but come on, £400,000 for a kitchen the size of a shower cubicle and walls the thickness of birthday cards?

“Still, it’s concerning. At the present rate our new-build estates will cover the entirety of the UK by 2046. What happens then? Are they a trap? Will they vanish as suddenly as they appeared, with their occupants? I try not to think about it.”

Next story ›