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Dating app introduces seasonal desperation mode

TINDER has rolled out a seasonal desperation mode to connect users who are anxious to get laid by the first of January.

The new feature, which preys on the sadness of singletons as they fend off probing questions from their relatives, aims to help even the ugliest of people get their end away before New Year’s Eve.

Tinder CEO Joanna Kramer said: “A dog isn’t just for Christmas, but a shameful shag is. ‘Tis the season to lower your expectations.

“Upon activating the seasonal desperation mode, people will be given access to the vast pool of users who are prepared to compromise their standards for a quick f**k. So it’s just like normal Tinder but even worse. If you can imagine.

“Your radius for potential matches will be limited to a few metres for ease of hooking up, and your bio will junk all of that bullshit about being interested in movies or rock climbing or whatever. Instead it’ll just read ‘need sex now’ in bold capitals.

“Admittedly, yes, each swipe right will cost you £19.99. It’s a small price to pay for ending your dry spell, though, so we’re confident you’ll cough up.”

Tinder user Wayne Hayes said: “I hope I don’t get catfished by a lovely hottie. I signed up for desperate, unlovable freaks, so that’s what I expect to get.”

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How to stop yourself sobering up between Christmas Day and New Year's Eve

THERE’S a whole week between the year’s two biggest piss-ups. If you want to keep the party going while you wait, stay half-cut with this guide: 

Establish a support network

It’s unreasonable to expect you to do this by yourself. If you want to stay shitfaced for six days straight, you’re going to need a network of close friends and relatives to supportively place another drink into your trembling hands. Don’t feel like a burden though – you’ll be repaying the favour by grabbing them a bottle whenever you stumble uncertainly to the fridge.

Indulge your triggers

People trying to achieve a life of sobriety avoid anything that will set off their vice. Since you’re taking the opposite approach, constantly expose yourself to temptation. Anything from lingering in the cheerful atmosphere of a pub to putting yourself in stressful situations where you desperately need alcohol to calm your nerves will work. Perhaps visit the roughest local hostelry wearing a ‘MORE IMMIGRATION NOW!’ T-shirt? As long as you struggle to form barely coherent sentences, you’re doing it right.

Pace yourself

This is a marathon, not a sprint. You’re trying to find the sweet spot where you’re more than tipsy but not quite paralytic. Going too soft will bring the crushing mundanity of the festive dead zone into harsh relief, whereas drinking too much could send you spiralling into an ill-timed hangover on New Year’s Eve. Don’t waste all of December 31st hunched miserably over a toilet puking your guts up. That’s what January 1st is for.

Eat the bare minimum

Seasoned pissheads already know that eating’s cheating, but it’s especially important to remember this disclaimer at Christmas. With so many slices of cured meat and Pringles tubes to hand, it’s all too easy to inadvertently graze your way to clearheadedness. If you must eat more than the bare minimum needed to keep you alive, opt for chocolate liqueurs to keep your blood alcohol level up.

Ignore your limits

Over the course of the week your body is going to try to tell you to stop knocking back booze and drink a healthy glass of water instead. At times like these you’ll need to tap reserves of physical and mental determination. By ignoring the limits of what your liver, bowels and brain cells can tolerate, you’ll reach new plateaus of intoxicated merriment. Have you got a drink problem? No, you’re powering through the infamous wall!

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