Subscribe

Dating app introduces seasonal desperation mode

TINDER has rolled out a seasonal desperation mode to connect users who are anxious to get laid by the first of January.

The new feature, which preys on the sadness of singletons as they fend off probing questions from their relatives, aims to help even the ugliest of people get their end away before New Year’s Eve.

Tinder CEO Joanna Kramer said: “A dog isn’t just for Christmas, but a shameful shag is. ‘Tis the season to lower your expectations.

“Upon activating the seasonal desperation mode, people will be given access to the vast pool of users who are prepared to compromise their standards for a quick f**k. So it’s just like normal Tinder but even worse. If you can imagine.

“Your radius for potential matches will be limited to a few metres for ease of hooking up, and your bio will junk all of that bullshit about being interested in movies or rock climbing or whatever. Instead it’ll just read ‘need sex now’ in bold capitals.

“Admittedly, yes, each swipe right will cost you £19.99. It’s a small price to pay for ending your dry spell, though, so we’re confident you’ll cough up.”

Tinder user Wayne Hayes said: “I hope I don’t get catfished by a lovely hottie. I signed up for desperate, unlovable freaks, so that’s what I expect to get.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Tragic: Elderly man spent Christmas alone because he's a massive bellend

A PENSIONER has once again spent Christmas alone because he has alienated everyone in his life by being a bastard, it has emerged. 

78-year-old Norman Steele’s vile personality, penchant for personal insults and best-in-class racism, homophobia, and misogyny left him with nobody to vent his cruelty on during the season of goodwill to all men.

Charity spokesperson Carolyn Ryan said: “Loneliness among older people, due to losing your support system and community as you age, is a tragedy though in Norman’s case also well-deserved.

“Last year we heard about Norman and planned for him to spend Christmas with one of our volunteers, who open their doors and their hearts to people who will otherwise be alone.

“She popped round to see him with a Christmas hamper, he said he ‘didn’t order a fat, old prostitute’ and slammed the door in her face. She no longer volunteers.

“Turns out he has five alive children who have stopped inviting him over because he drinks all their booze, steals money from their wallets and then calls their partners and children ugly, useless pricks.”

Norman said: “I’m 78 and don’t have to put up with your bullshit. All I want is to sit in my chair, drink the vodka I bought from the Indian shop, and look at my pornography with the blinds wide open.”

Next story ›