'F**k off, the f**king lot of you' man jokingly tells family

A FATHER has light-heartedly told his family that the whole fucking lot of them can fuck off. 

Tom Booker told his wife, children and parents that if they were going to the fucking shops then just fucking go, but is now being treated as if he was the bad guy.

He said: “I was kind of doing a character of a man who was frustrated beyond belief by the inability of his family to do a single fucking thing without making a song and dance about it.

“Of course I don’t want you to actually ‘fuck off’, even if I have got a lot to do and you’ve all been standing in the hall barking on about nothing for the last 15 fucking minutes.

“Those weren’t my true feelings showing themselves through being pushed beyond endurance. It was just a gag that didn’t go down that well.

“Now are you going to fuck off or not?”

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How to train properly for the London marathon

YOU’VE broken in your trainers, you’ve learnt the meaning of iliotibial band, now as the London Marathon approaches, here are the only training tips that could possibly matter.

Take a nutmeg grater to your nipples every day
It will prepare you for the searing pain. Mind you, at the finish line you’ll probably pass off your bleeding nips as equivalent to a saintly weeping statue.

Study the course’s toilet map
Or just customise an adult nappy to fit inside your running shorts. At the very least, ensure those shorts are not white.

Stop wearing your neon training vest
You claim it’s so you’re seen on dark roads, but we all know it’s just virtue signalling.

Tailor your home-made energy balls
Instead of rolling them in flaxseed or coconut, roll them in crushed-up ProPlus or actual speed.

Practice how to blow snot from your nose
Unless of course you want your face to look like a ‘money shot’ gone wrong.