How has being an only child turned you into a dreadful adult?

DID you enjoy the undivided attention of your parents? Have you turned out to be an insufferable adult? Here’s how it f**ked you up.

You’re a f**king nightmare in relationships

If your parents poured their every waking second into keeping you happy, you’ll expect your partners to do the same. Cue them leaving you after three months because you accuse them of having an affair every time they spend more than five seconds looking at their phone.

You’re a delicate flower

Due to not having to play a constant game of survival of the fittest with your siblings, both physically and emotionally, you don’t have an ingrained understanding that other people are twats. You’ll be devastated and defenceless when some sociopath at work undermines you in front of your boss and nicks your promotion.

You’re incapable of looking after yourself

Having the undivided attention of your parents sounds good, but ultimately leaves you incapable of functioning as an adult because you never had to do anything for yourself. Not knowing how to use a washing machine or cook a meal is blissful as a teenager but deeply unattractive in a 30-year-old.

You’re a tedious perfectionist

You represent your mum and dad’s only shot at parenting success, so you become an uptight perfectionist who people struggle to like. Essentially your parents have created a self-fulfilling prophecy as you fail to attract friends or romantic partners because you’re such a pain in the arse.

You’re a selfish bastard

You always got your own way as a child and still have tantrums when you don’t as an adult. While this will probably lead to your current partner chucking you out, your doting parents will always be there to remind you you’re the most special and brave little soldier in the world.

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Five Mother's Day presents that say 'I'm sorry I destroyed your pelvic floor'

LOVE your mum? Conscious that your birth ravaged her and left her incontinent? Here are five gifts that say ‘Thanks, also sorry’.

Flowers

You often send people flowers when they’ve been through something rough, and eighteen hours of labour sounds rough even if it was a few decades ago. Whatever you do, don’t get her a plant. The last thing she needs is another needy parasite to look after.

Chocolate

Science has shown that dark chocolate may reduce stress levels, and what’s more stressful than bringing new life into the world? She’s still feeling stressed by you now, all these years on, so consider a kilo or two. Or hard drugs if you’ve got access to those.

A ‘World’s Best Mum’ mug

When you were younger you might have thought declaring your mum the world’s best was cringeworthy and hyperbolic. But after finding out what having a child actually entails, eg haemorroids, you’ll be pleased to hand over a tenner on something that celebrates her achievement.

Bottle of wine

Even if the trauma of tearing her perineum hasn’t quite left her, a bottle of Shiraz might help your mum to forget the mental and physical agony she went through. Make sure it’s a decent bottle and not the cheapest one from the bottom shelf. After you and your siblings, she doesn’t need any more disappointments.

A bumper pack of Tena Lady

Look, let’s be practical here. It’s said you should always buy people something they wouldn’t buy themselves, but that’s a load of bollocks. A safe bet when it comes to Mother’s Day is to get her something she definitely needs, and if that’s adult nappies, then fine. If you feel embarrassed, just remember — this is all your fault.