How he'll love me more when I've driven his car. By a girlfriend

DRIVING your boyfriend’s car and leaving your own little feminine touches makes your love even stronger, explains girlfriend Nikki Hollis.

Moving the seat and mirrors will make him think of me

On the rare occasions when I’m not in Steve’s thoughts, him trying to squeeze into the car because I’ve moved the seat up, the steering wheel down and the mirrors in will remind him of me and how petite and cute I am. It will feel like I’m giving him a hug. And the knobbly seat massager I’ll put in will ease the pain from his knees being squashed and any tension he feels before he starts work.

I’ll leave a nice surprise for when he starts the car

What could be more romantic than to start the car and hear our favourite Coldplay song blast out? His Spotify account normally syncs automatically, but I’ll change the settings for it to play my cuddle playlist. He’ll love that and it’ll take his mind off the annoying little orange light beeping about petrol, or whatever.

I’ll give him the dog we’ve always wanted

We’re so much in love we’ve discussed getting a dog when we’re married, so imagine his joy when he climbs in the car and sees a cute doggy on the back shelf nodding at him. And on the other side, for balance, a cutesy teddy bear hugging a heart, saying ‘You drive me crazy with love’. How adorable am I? I think he might shed a tear.

I’ll make sure he doesn’t get hungry

Adding me as a named driver to reduce the cost of his policy is a commitment to our relationship I’ll gladly reciprocate by making sure he never goes hungry while driving. Scattering mints and Cadbury Heroes around his car will remind him I’m thinking about his health and wellbeing. I’ll also leave a bottle of water loose in the passenger footwell for him to drink and a surprise Love Heart sweet placed in his cup holder. We are the best couple.

It’ll help me look my best for him

Once I’ve finished using his car I’ll freshen up and look nice by giving my hair a good brush. Steve is so much better at spotting hair around his flat and in his shower plug than me, so I’ll leave any loose hair in his car for him to find with his sharp eyes. Also doing my makeup might get a bit messy, so I’ll write a little ‘sorry’ message in powder on the dashboard, or in lipstick on the rear view mirror. That will definitely raise a smile.

My fragrance will remind him of me

They say smell is the greatest sense for triggering memories. That’s why I’ll wait until I’m in his car to put on perfume. I’ll also leave a scented scarf around his headrest and my jogging hoody draped over the passenger seat. And if that’s not enough then I’ll put cute little Ambi Pur air fresheners in the vents, the same scent as the one he always notices in my flat. It’ll be like I’m always there, and he’ll love me so much more – if that’s possible!

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Women disgusted by man's fatphobia asked when they last shagged a chubster

WOMEN horrified by a man who only fancies slim women have been asked when they last had sex with a fat person. 

Nathan Muir almost sparked a riot by admitting he is not interested in women above a size 12, only to silence the baying female mob by asking when they last banged someone with more chins than cheekbones.

Sophie Rodriguez said: “No, sorry, it’s different for us. Men usually go on top during sex, so we have to think about the health and safety aspects of letting two tonnes of fun lie on us. We could suffocate, so it’s a violence against women issue.

“And it’s actually not superficial but about personalities. Curvy girls are fun, bouncy and full of life, whereas everyone knows big guys are bitter, angry and just want to sit in their cars eating rotisserie chickens like Henry VIII.

“Women have endured centuries of men policing our bodies so it’s only fair that we get a go. Besides, being overweight is unhealthy, but especially so for men. Because of reasons. Scientific reasons.

“By friendzoning the whales we’re actually doing them a favour and encouraging them to adopt a healthier lifestyle. We’re like personal trainers. But without any shagging.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Overweight men often have great personalities, which is why women see them as friends or surrogate brothers. 

“And because they’re naturally jolly, they are totally cool with that.”