Subscribe

How to accept your girlfriend's best friend knows everything about your sex life

THAT night of slippery anal the two of you haven’t discussed since? Shared over brunch, complete with hand gestures. Here’s how to acknowledge that: 

Take pride in your achievements

Why are you embarrassed? You are now one of the great lovers of history, whose sweaty achievements are spoken of with hushed awe in Pret. Like Casanova, Cleopatra or Jacob Rees-Mogg, your prodigious shagging is the sort of feat that would’ve once kept medieval minstrels in business. Except now it’s your girlfriend’s mate Nat who’ll be recounting your tale through various group chats.

She was there first

Long before your first kiss with your beloved, your girlfriend’s best mate heard about your Hinge opener and gave a second opinion on your haircut. You’re only together because this woman approved them, like a chaperone of the Regency period. By listening to stories of your prowess, she’s keeping her role as your girlfriend’s guide through the bewildering gauntlet of modern love.

Fantasise

Pretend you’re living in a letter to Penthouse. You never thought your girlfriend’s mate fancied you. But then she heard tell of how you provided nine minutes of sustained cunnilingus, and now she’s queueing up to sample the goods next to your obliging partner. Have fun imagining how this would play out, while remembering to never, ever tell your girlfriend of this specific fantasy.

Accept things were already awkward

You can only be so close to your girlfriend’s best friend. While she might not acknowledge it, she’s always going to resent you for stealing her pal away from her. So what if stories of your sexual prowess drive a further wedge between the two of you? Don’t worry, she’s only holding onto them to weaponise for when you split.

See if it works two ways

If your girlfriend’s mate is being told all of the sordid details of your sex life, then it’s only fair that you learn about who she’s f**king and how. Open with an easy question, like ‘So does Sonya swallow?’ If your girlfriend is repulsed at your asking and this leads to a relationship-ending argument, at least your paranoia about what’s she’s saying about how you shag will be a moot point.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

The Green Menace wants to IMPROVE your living standards and SAVE the planet

THE Green Party monsters currently threatening the country wants to sadistically improve your quality of life, we can reveal. 

Not content with ousting Labour from their bastion of Gorton and Denton, the toxic Green Party wants to upend Britain’s democracy even further by meeting the needs of its constituents with a manifesto based on sustainable living.

Political analyst Denys Finch Hatton said: “They want to look after the most vulnerable members of society and improve the environment. It’s absolutely sickening.

“What about all of the fossil fuel billionaires who will be brutally crushed under their vegan leather jackboots? No, the Green Party’s dastardly policies seem quite content to leave these poor, innocent souls to perish.

“It’s almost like they don’t care about this country’s proud tradition of steadily getting shitter and shitter, a tradition the two-party system proudly upholds. If they have their cruel way then the planet will never become an inhospitable rock and our children will have to grow up without microplastics in their bloodstreams.

“It’s up to the public to band together and vote strategically from here on out. It’s the only way to ensure that the country becomes even more hostile and divided, which is what all true patriots should want.”

MP for Gorton and Denton Hannah Spencer cackled: “We want to build 150,000 social homes a year and achieve net-zero by 2040! And there’s nothing you can do to stop us!”

Next story ›