KNOW someone who’s been abandoned to singledom like you? Hide your obvious glee with these tips:
Make a sad face
It’ll feel unnatural, but when you hear that a friend’s relationship has gone to shit you should make your facial features resemble a sad emoji. Think of upsetting things to achieve this look, like the fact that you haven’t been on a date in five years and the wedding photos your ex recently posted on Instagram.
Use an upset tone
An upbeat tone of voice is a dead giveaway that you’re happy someone else’s romantic life has gone wrong. Instead, try to sound miserable and lifeless, like when a checkout cashier asks if you’ve got a Morrisons loyalty card. Your friend will mistake your monotone drawl for sympathetic sadness and feel reassured.
Cover your grin
A carefully positioned hand will mask the beaming grin that’s spreading across your face as your friend recounts the months of simmering hatred that led to the split. You knew their relationship was too good to be true so the vindication will feel euphoric, but do the polite thing and let them wallow for five minutes.
You’ll be a pressure cooker of joyful cackles after hearing that your friend got ditched on their birthday, but you must only laugh internally. Your raucous interior hysterics will be so loud that you won’t be able to concentrate on your jilted pal spilling their guts, so just nod along on autopilot and hope they don’t want you to say something wise and thoughtful.
If your delight is too much to contain, pretend that you need to pop to the bathroom so you can punch the air and perform a little happy dance. Even though you’d need hours to express the full extent of your joy, try to keep your absence to less than 10 minutes because even the biggest of shits don’t take that long.