GETTING dumped is shit, but almost as shit for the poor friends who are obliged to be there for you afterwards. Here’s how to make them lose the will to live.
Moaning about your ex gets boring fast. They cheated, they’re a f**ker, your friends get it. They got it the first time you whined all the way through The Batman. Now you’re about to shit all over poker night and quiz Tuesday. Anything you’ve left out? Oh yes. Karaoke and Steve’s birthday too.
You still love your ex
Don’t forget to alternate your anger with irrational monologues about how much you still love your ex. Your friends have listened to your actual heartbreak, now they’ve got to sit through unrealistic moping about a relationship that’s dead as plesiosaur. If you had any decency you’d hand them headphones and a range of podcasts when you start droning on.
Insist you’re absolutely fine
Seems reasonable – until you start doing it on a loop. There’s nothing like overly-upbeat speeches about how great it is to be alone every 15 minutes to make friends want to tear their ears off to avoid listening to your false happiness.
Beg to be set up
If you really want to test your friends’ patience, insist they set you up with someone new right away. Yes, of course you’re ready to move on. When the date rolls around talk incessantly about your ex all night. Or if they clearly like you, sleep with them then say it was a mistake – caused by your ex, who you still love, and so on and so on.
Get back together
After putting your friends through 10 days of sympathy and ‘cheer you up’ drinks, suddenly announce you’re getting back with your ex – the person you wanted to hack the genitals off and burn alive just days before. You have also set yourself up for zero sympathy when the bastard/bitch inevitably cheats on you again.