How to use up your friends' sympathy for being dumped in record time

GETTING dumped is shit, but almost as shit for the poor friends who are obliged to be there for you afterwards. Here’s how to make them lose the will to live.

Well-timed whinging

Moaning about your ex gets boring fast. They cheated, they’re a f**ker, your friends get it. They got it the first time you whined all the way through The Batman. Now you’re about to shit all over poker night and quiz Tuesday. Anything you’ve left out? Oh yes. Karaoke and Steve’s birthday too.

You still love your ex

Don’t forget to alternate your anger with irrational monologues about how much you still love your ex. Your friends have listened to your actual heartbreak, now they’ve got to sit through unrealistic moping about a relationship that’s dead as plesiosaur. If you had any decency you’d hand them headphones and a range of podcasts when you start droning on.

Insist you’re absolutely fine

Seems reasonable – until you start doing it on a loop. There’s nothing like overly-upbeat speeches about how great it is to be alone every 15 minutes to make friends want to tear their ears off to avoid listening to your false happiness. 

 Beg to be set up

If you really want to test your friends’ patience, insist they set you up with someone new right away. Yes,  of course you’re ready to move on. When the date rolls around talk incessantly about your ex all night. Or if they clearly like you, sleep with them then say it was a mistake – caused by your ex, who you still love, and so on and so on.

Get back together  

After putting your friends through 10 days of sympathy and ‘cheer you up’ drinks, suddenly announce you’re getting back with your ex – the person you wanted to hack the genitals off and burn alive just days before. You have also set yourself up for zero sympathy when the bastard/bitch inevitably cheats on you again.

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Banning strikes, banning unions, banning trains: Panicked Tory solutions to the rail strike

THE Conservatives cannot fathom how they could possibly end the baffling, motiveless rail strike. These are their panicked ideas thus far.

Banning strikes

A blanket ban on the withdrawal of labour, turning Britons into indentured slaves, would be impossible and spark more strikes. Meanwhile it would solve no underlying problems whatsoever. A policy with all the hallmarks of Liz Truss, ie. it appears to have been devised in one minute by a small child.

Banning trains

Since trains are the cause of all the trouble, ban them. The very idea of collective travel is anti-individual and socialist. Only cars are truly Conservative.

Banning unions

Unions are communist, ie. the Soviet Union. So unions are banned and all members are blacklisted and never allowed to work again. Nor will they be allowed benefits. Labour shortages will be covered by EU citizens – ah shit no. Maybe migrants. Not non-white ones – that’d be electoral suicide. Robots? Yes, robots will do everything. Problem solved.

Raising rail sector CEO wages

Trickle-down economics means that the more the leaders at the top get paid, the more money travels through the system to the workers at the bottom. So simply by doubling, trebling or octupling rail bosses’ wages, signallers will get pay rises in six to 12 years.

Thatcher

The answer to strikes is Thatcher. When there were strikes, the mere presence of Thatcher in a royal blue twinset made them magically melt away or something. Nobody’s sure of the details, it was so long ago. Anyway, we need a new Thatcher. Any candidates? No, not you, Liz.

Immediate massive national prosperity

The UK suddenly becoming the sole resource for something incredibly valuable that’s in huge worldwide demand would raise everyone’s incomes and settle this handily. Something like Unobtanium from Avatar. Maybe it could glow blue and make you immortal? Let’s discover that.

Meeting worker demands for a pay increase and no redundancies

Impossible. Made-up joke economics by left-wing cretins who know nothing. Especially when there are simple solutions like those above.