Man suspects girlfriend of giving purposefully shit massage

A MAN has received a massage so bad he suspects it was an attempt from his girlfriend to put him off them forever. 

Six months into his relationship Stephen Malley asked girlfriend Nikki Hollis for a back rub and received what felt like a round with Tyson Fury.

Malley said: “I had a sore back from repainting Nikki’s kitchen so asked for a massage which she delivered with all the tenderness of a traction engine.

“It started with what I can only describe as kidney punches followed by her seemingly trying to rub my ears off my head.  It’s weird because I’ve seen her rub the dogs back like it’s Ryan Goslings thigh.

“I said I thought she was trying to put me off and she was more defensive than the time I accused of hiding chocolate behind the pasta.”

Hollis said: “You can’t give a bad massage, it’s impossible. Oh no wait a minute, if you can give bad cunnilingus you probably can.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Osborne admits to being pathetic idiot who genuinely thought UKIP could win more than three seats

GEORGE Osborne has admitted to being a political idiot.

The former chancellor said that, in retrospect, his commitment to a Brexit referendum was based on the utterly cretinous belief that UKIP were somehow going to become a major force in the House of Commons.

He told the BBC: “David Cameron and I got all worked up and came to this completely moronic conclusion that loads of Tory seats were under threat from this bunch of psychopaths.

“We then got lots of other morons in the Conservative Party to confirm our ludicrous point of view and thus the referendum commitment came to pass.”

Osborne added: “You have to wonder about all these people paying me huge amounts of money to do various jobs.

“It’s as if the world is run by a collection of unaccountable imbeciles.”