A MAN has received a massage so bad he suspects it was an attempt from his girlfriend to put him off them forever.
Six months into his relationship Stephen Malley asked girlfriend Nikki Hollis for a back rub and received what felt like a round with Tyson Fury.
Malley said: “I had a sore back from repainting Nikki’s kitchen so asked for a massage which she delivered with all the tenderness of a traction engine.
“It started with what I can only describe as kidney punches followed by her seemingly trying to rub my ears off my head. It’s weird because I’ve seen her rub the dogs back like it’s Ryan Goslings thigh.
“I said I thought she was trying to put me off and she was more defensive than the time I accused of hiding chocolate behind the pasta.”
Hollis said: “You can’t give a bad massage, it’s impossible. Oh no wait a minute, if you can give bad cunnilingus you probably can.”