One-night stand thinks he's getting breakfast

A WOMAN’S morning has been ruined after realising the man she shagged last night is expecting to stay for breakfast.

After crawling out of bed with a debilitating hangover, Lauren Hewitt was baffled to find a bloke in her kitchen expecting to be served some food.

Hewitt said: “It was my understanding that he would slip out of my bed just after dawn, get dressed in silence and piss off home. Those are the God-given rules of the one-night stand.

“And yet here he was sat at my kitchen table, having rooted through my cupboards to make a coffee. Yes, he may have been face deep in my muff last night, but putting his lips on my favourite mug is crossing a boundary.

“Someone would have to be off-the-scale, mind-blowingly amazing at sex for me to consider making them a full English, and sadly this guy whose name I’ve forgotten doesn’t even warrant a single, solitary baked bean.”

Jack Browne said: “She was no great shakes herself, but I was so blind drunk that I threw my house keys in a river for a dare last night and I didn’t fancy waiting for the locksmith in the cold.”

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Children flatly refuse all suggestions of how they might entertain themselves on day one of Easter

CHILDREN have begun the Easter holidays by going through a list of possible self-entertainment options and turning them all down flat.

On their first bored day, kids have been presented with a whole host of easy and fun things to do and have rejected them all, adding that they do not want to hear any of them again over the next fortnight.

Nine-year-old Ryan Whittaker said: “Okay, let’s go through all these and get them out of the way. Save us wasting time later.

“I’ve got loads of toys in my room – they’re all boring. Play Minecraft – I’m sick of it. Read a book – be serious. Practise my guitar – please see my answer to your previous suggestion.

“Play a board game – lol no. Do a jigsaw – just no. Watch TV – I did that for two hours before you got up and I’ve seen everything on Netflix twice.

“Bake a cake – nah. Do some drawing – I’m not at school. Play in the garden – I’m not a dog. Build a fort – I’m not a toddler.

“Okay, so that’s all options dismissed. Time to start on the good stuff. And a little hint, they’d better involve spending money.”