WANT to foist your insufferable worldview onto your unborn child? Try one of these stock baby announcements, each of which is so cringe they’re an effective contraceptive:
‘Player 3 loading…’
We get it, you’re a pair of nerds, you’re impressed you’ve have sex, you want the world to know of your twin interests. Your baby will be aggroing mobs on World of Warcraft, not a milk-sucking loser in pastels like everyone else’s. Joining the game? Sadly this game is life, where the difficulty is random and the final boss unbeatable.
‘His is beer, mine’s a baby!’
Pointing to a woman’s protruding baby bump is basic but okay. But what if the partner whose physical involvement ended with ejaculation wants to be involved too? Thankfully this couple has added a kooky sign, saying his belly is just caused by beer. Ha! Funny! What a great dad he’ll be, with his cans and his shit-greetings-card jokes!
A short film with a bun
Oh, you’ve filmed a video of the father confused as to why a random f**king bap is sitting in your oven. What could it possibly mean? Is it a laboured metaphor which would struggle to charm in a panto performed by six-year-olds, rather than two adults who need to do a meter reading and learn what dilation means?
‘We’ve bought some new outfits’
Why not reveal you’ll be bringing into the world an autonomous human being with a parade of onesies representing your interest? The kid isn’t born yet and is already an Everton fan, a Disney lover, a Swiftie or whatever other shit their parents are obsessed with. You do know she’ll rebel horribly come her teen years?
‘Announcing the launch of our new collaboration’
As if LinkedIn speak hadn’t tarnished enough of life, now babies are introduced to the world as ‘our most challenging project yet’. You’ve ‘accepted a new role as a parent’ have you? I’m afraid you’ll soon find this is a career you can’t bullshit your way to promotion in, and you’ll be starting at the bottom in the very literal sense of wiping it.
‘So, we did a thing…’
F**king millennials. They’re even dicks about having babies.
