Promiscuous man taking every precaution not to catch feelings

A MAN having sex with multiple partners is always careful not to catch feelings for any of them, he has confirmed.

Lothario Tom Booker is engaging with numerous women on a purely physical level in order not to forge any emotional or romantic attachment to them.

He said: “When you’re satisfying as many ladies as I am, it’s important to play it safe. That means no candlelit dinners in fancy restaurants, no deep conversations about their childhood, and definitely no saying what we think about each other.

“Instead, I get straight down to business the second they’re through the door. As soon as we’re done we go our separate ways and I immediately move on to my next conquest. Everyone’s a winner.

“In the unfortunate scenario that I start falling for someone, I just talk about how crazy my ex is or do something physically gross like clip my toenails on the coffee table. They’ll instantly ghost me and I’ll be cured. Works every time.

“The last thing you want is to feel a strange, fuzzy sensation in your chest when you go for a piss. Not only do you have to tell whoever’s currently sleeping in your bed, you have to inform your other partners as well. Total nightmare.”

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24-hour garage entirely propped up by local drug users

A 24-HOUR garage in Bristol survives entirely on the custom of drug-addled locals buying late night snacks, it has emerged.

The Esso petrol station in Stoke Bishop manages to remain a viable business thanks to dozens of stoners who flock there each night to purchase king size Rizlas, cans of Monster Energy and sharing bags of Doritos.

Employee Charlotte Phelps said: “We probably sell our last petrol by 11pm, and after that it’s like Night of the Living Dead. Just dozens of shuffling idiots blitzed out of their mind on hash, dumbly searching for crisps.

“I’d say about 60 per cent of our business is stoner-based, and a further 20 per cent is people on MDMA who drift in at 3am to buy a bottle of Coke and tell us how much they love us.

“Really we’re a munchie store-slash-chill-out area with a sideline in fossil fuels. Honestly, if the police ever crack down on drugs in this area, our business would capsize instantly.”

Local weed enthusiast Oliver O’Connor said: “They’re providing a public service by staying open all the time, like the NHS. Except better because they sell those massive bags of Frazzles.”