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Seemingly perfectly man on dating app a massive red flag

A MAN on Tinder who appears to be without significant perversions, addictions, commitment issues or a receding hairline is a huge red flag, women have agreed. 

When 28-year-old Hannah Tomlinson matched with 32-year-old Josh Hudson, she was immediately unsettled by his individually-tailored responses and failure to send a dick pic.

She said: “It was like I was talking to a human being, not an AI. So I was creeped out immediately.

“Tall, but he didn’t say ‘6ft cos apparently that matters’. No pictures in Lederhosen or by someone else’s sports car. Zero requests for nudes or feet pics. In every shot he’s fully clothed. My freak siren was screaming.

“Even worse, he seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me and ‘wants a monogamous relationship’. What unspeakable horror is this concealing? He’ll be asking me to shove a hairbrush up his arse on date one.

“He uses full sentences and correct spelling. How could he possibly be single? This is London. Any halfway normal man is chased by mobs of women the moment he leaves the house.”

Hudson said: “Hannah’s right to be happy. I am in fact a 62-year-old about to interest her in an exciting crypto opportunity.”

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Dad simultaneously furious about potholes and roadworks

A FATHER is furious at his local council about potholes in roads and is apoplectic at the roadworks needed to fix them.

Martin Bishop, aged 61, regularly shares his fury on local Facebook groups about the local authority letting streets run to rack and ruin, but his blood pressure really spikes when stopped by temporary traffic lights.

He continued: “Am I paying my council tax for these jokers to sit on their arses all day, while potholes ruin lives and suspensions?

“Then they turn around and close a main road for two months, adding five minutes to my journey time which adds up. Put it together and over a year I’d be twelve hours late for squash. Is that in any way acceptable?

“People say ‘you’re retired Martin’ and ‘chill out Martin’ and ‘you don’t need to immediately drive to Asda every time we run out of nutmeg Martin’ but that’s not the point. The point is this council has taken up arms in a war against motorists.

“It’s all right for councillors with their free eco-friendly helicopters, but pensioners like me need to use our BMWs to get places. Don’t even get me started on their lunatic policies like ‘bus lanes’ and ‘school zones’.”

Council spokesperson Eleanor Shaw said: “We recognise that potholes and roadworks are a common source of frustration for residents, and invite them to use their f**king brains for two f**king seconds to connect the two.

“Also, we welcome and value Martin’s feedback.”

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