BEEN dumped? Think it was unfair? Maybe it was, or maybe you did one of these seven despicable things:
You were boring
In bed, out at the pub or merely talking about your day, your partner discovered the terrible truth that has dogged you all your life – you’re dull as f**k. They waited a few months in the hope you’d cheat and give them a good excuse, but you’re too boring.
You pronounced words wrong
Everyone lets a few slide, especially foreign words. Who gives a shit if you say ‘chorizo’ with a hard Z? But when you’re referring to the ‘Star Wars try-ology’, ‘satill-ite TV’ and pronouncing ‘aluminium’ like an American? Absolute dealbreaker.
You chewed loudly
Before you defend yourself, consider your partner’s thought process. ‘F**k that’s annoying. I’m going to listen to that for the rest of my life. It could literally be the last thing I hear unless I act now.’ Understand? Good – now work on yourself. Only have soup in future.
You had shit taste in music
It doesn’t matter if you had your first teenage snog to Westlife or Kings of Leon soundtracked your incredible American roadtrip or Shed Seven are ‘brilliant live’. They’re shit and nobody wants to romance with someone who likes them.
You had annoying relatives
Oh, so you think it’s not your fault that your older sister is a massive racist who kicks pigeons? Well, you share genetic material, so it is. Become estranged from your family or stay single forever, your choice.
You talked about reality TV like it’s real
Enjoying reality TV isn’t a hallmark of a bad person, but banging on about it as if anything that’s happening hasn’t been carefully scripted and edited is a sign of profound issues. You can’t marry a cretin like that.
You were you
Let’s face it, the easiest way to get dumped is by being completely and utterly yourself too early on. You can’t claim it’s unfair when everything about you was wrong.