WOMEN are unable to see the big picture when it comes to household tasks, whereas men have a dynamic approach that gets them done in no time. Here’s the correct – male – way to tackle chores.
Women’s method: Painstakingly space it out on a clothes horse.
Men’s correct method: Pile it onto a radiator. Turn the central heating to full whack. Your logical scientific mind realises that all moisture will evaporate eventually even if jeans and shirts are packed together with the density of a collapsed star.
Women’s method: Iron and neatly fold all items.
Men’s correct method: Ironing is clearly a conspiracy to waste your life. So don’t do it. You could be starting a business, writing a great novel, or, in your case, having a lager in front of the TV. Who cares about a few creases these days anyway? There’s a bloke in your office with a ponytail. Stop living in the 1850s, ladies.
Making a school packed lunch
Women’s method: A wholemeal sandwich and at least one piece of fruit, carrot sticks even if that’s a bit optimistic, and a small chocolate treat.
Men’s correct method: You once saw a documentary about a man who survived in the jungle by eating raw frogs. So basically all your kids need is water and protein. They get water at school, so a lump of cheese will suffice. If you can’t be arsed to wrap the cheese in clingfilm, five bags of crisps constitutes a balanced diet so long as they’re not all the same flavour.
Cleaning the bath
Women’s method: Remove hairs and scrub the sides of the bath with cleaning fluid.
Men’s correct method: How can a bath be dirty? You use it to get clean. However your partner will get annoyed, so make it look as if you did actually clean the bath by leaving a smear of cleaning fluid on the side. This is why there are more male scientists and generals.
Women’s method: Methodically clean the room(s), moving furniture to get at hidden dust.
Men’s correct method: Vacuuming should take only as long as it takes to walk around the room pushing the hoover, obviously. Who vacuums under the bed or sofa? It’s like Leonardo da Vinci doing an extra painting on the back of the Mona Lisa that no one will see.
Cleaning the oven
Women’s method: Get some oven cleaner, open a window and knuckle down until all grease is gone.
Men’s correct method: In Sun Tzu’s The Art of War he emphasises the value of retreat, and this is what you must do when faced with the truly horrible task of cleaning the oven. Invent a compelling lie – you have uncontrollable diarrhoea, or a friend’s marriage is on the rocks and he must be comforted. It’s the right thing to do, or Sun Tzu wouldn’t suggest it.
Clearing out the loft
Women’s method: Take out anything not used for years and take it to the tip, freeing up space for something useful or even a loft conversion.
Men’s correct method: Women lack the mental capacity to look into the future and evaluate what will be useful or possibly worth millions. And guess what, by your reckoning everything in the loft meets this criteria, even the broken TV! That random selection of yellowing 2000ADs could be worth a fortune if a millionaire needs to complete his collection with the 17th instalment of Tharg’s Future Shocks.