Sexual activities you're irrationally worried you've never tried

DO you feel you’ve missed out on certain sexual experiences, even if they never appealed that much in the first place? Societal pressure can’t be wrong, so make sure you try these…

A threesome

A valid concern is what you say while you’re doing it. ‘Can I put this in there?’, ‘Is it okay if I ejaculate with Suzi, not you, Emma? Nothing personal’, ‘Oh, you’ve both come, I thought you’d want my input’. Let’s face it, it’s going to be awful. Still, ask your partner if any of their friends would be up for it. Not Abigail. She’s really bossy and scares you a bit.

Making love on a beach

Let’s hope you’ve got 700 quid spare for a flight to Australia or you’re going to be rutting in cold sand and drizzle in Llandudno while praying a wave doesn’t drench you in raw effluent. However it’s allegedly sexy so grit your teeth and get on with it. You can have a deep-fried donut to warm up afterwards.


God, this looks horrible. However it must be enjoyable or people wouldn’t do it, right? Your days of sexual timidity are over, so try being fisted repeatedly, only later remembering that people also enjoy tinned turkey, Mrs Brown’s Boys and nailing their scrotum to a plank of wood.

Anal play 

All the rage at the moment. ‘Why you should try pegging with your partner today’ says an article not in Cosmo or Hustler, but Metro. That’s incredibly mainstream, and the British press would never support a bad idea, so order a strap-on from Amazon now. Get an anal speculum and a couple of fox tail butt plugs while you’re at it. Just don’t lose interest after spending a fortune on your new hobby, like when you planned to learn the saxophone. God, that was embarrassing.

Sex in public 

Sex on a train is out. It all went off fine in Risky Business, but Tom Cruise and Rebecca De Mornay weren’t on a filthy Northern Line train rammed with depressed office workers and Polish builders. A knee-trembler in a deserted shopping arcade or a park is a better bet. Just try to ignore the skateboarders staring at you. If you finally conclude that beds are nice and the best place for sex, you’re obviously a repressed sexual puritan.


Wife swapping seems fairly okay in John Updike novels. Admittedly his 1970s academic pals were probably a bit sexier and more intellectual than your local suburban swingers, but it’s on your bucket list now. With luck there’ll be a couple of reasonably fit ones among your saggy, Daily Express-reading neighbours, and even if it’s a mentally-scarring journey into sexual Hell, you can at least ask Geoff if you can borrow his pressure washer.

Phone sex

The difficulty arises in saying things like ‘I’m touching myself now’, or ‘I’m imagining you’re inside me’. Ew. Cringe. But that’s what you’re going to have to do – your partner isn’t going to climax from you talking about Masterchef. Although it’d be bloody handy if they did: ‘John Torode’s not impressed with the souffle!’ (Screams of sexual ecstasy) ‘That was amazing! You’re so good in bed!’

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The five stages of trying to connect to train wifi, from hope to abject rage and despair

THOUGHT you’d do a bit of work using the train wifi? Think again, fool. Here’s how attempting to connect will break your spirit in five depressing stages.

1. Hope: Trying to connect

You booked a seat at a table so you can comfortably use your laptop, and this is going to be a highly productive journey. Just got to find the train wifi on the ‘network’ list and connect. Hmm, looks like there are an awful lot of hotspotted phones in this carriage. Why would anyone waste their data when there’s reliable wifi included in the price of their ticket? Weird.

2. Irritation: 17 minutes have passed

Well, this is taking longer than you’d hoped. Why does the wifi symbol keep greying out? It looked like it had connected for a moment there and then the train went in a tunnel and kicked you off again. The guy sitting opposite has been watching something on his phone the whole time. Is he somehow hogging the signal? Selfish, thieving bastard.

3. Anger: What is wrong with this piece of shit train?

More than 45 minutes have passed and you still haven’t got on the sodding wifi. You could crack and use your hotspot like everyone else, but you were promised free wifi and you’re going to bloody well get it. You try connecting for the 578th time, filling out the online form again that wants to send you ‘offers and promotions’ for more shitty train journeys, as if they’re somehow fun and you love cancellations, having to stand up, and last-minute platform changes.

4. Bargaining: Asking the conductor for help

Look, this is stupid. They wouldn’t proudly advertise free wifi if it was utterly f**king useless, would they? There must be a simple explanation, like it isn’t switched on. Flag down a highly stressed conductor as they pass through to ask them about the connectivity, and receive a blank look as if you’d said, ‘Where are the inter-dimensional time portals?’

5. Rage and despair: F**k this I’m going to the buffet for some beers

Consider flinging your laptop down the aisle, or stamping on the foot of the man opposite, and then give up the dream of finishing that report and accept that you’ll have to do it when you get home. You decide to take the edge off by going to the buffet to get a beer, only to find it’s f**king shut, the f**king motherf**ker.