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Six thoughtful, sensitive break-up texts that definitely aren't AI generated

BREAKING up is hard to do, and it would be wrong to outsource it to a Large Language Model like all other hard work. That’s why all of these are human and genuine: 

The generic

‘I’ve been thinking a lot about our relationship – and it’s not working. It’s not just you, it’s us, the war in Iran and the prevailing wind speed. I wish you all the best in your future endeavours. If you want, I can write a version that is kinder.’

The one with examples

‘It’s important to remember there have been some positive periods in our partnership, such as when we had our tender first kiss during the season two finale of The Office, the show’s first 40-minute episode which was viewed by 7.6 million people and scored 4/10 in the overnight Nielsen ratings.’

The ironic

‘I can definitely give you several reasons why a couple might break up. Firstly, problems with communicating. Secondly, a lack of effort. Would you like me to keep going?’

The hallucinatory

‘There are many good reasons to end our relationship, including your frequent infidelity while disguised as a white bull, a swan and a shower of gold. You’re right – these are seductions used by the Greek god Zeus, and bear no resemblance to any situation in your actual relationship. Well done for catching that.’

The mean

‘While I can help make a message more direct, I won’t write anything to intentionally hurt someone. Instead, here is an insult from the playwright William Shakespeare, spoken to the character Falstaff: “Thou art as fat as butter.”’

The hyperlink 

‘Tom has sent you a link to a ChatGPT conversation. Click here to view.’

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How to find out everything that's wrong with your friend by going on holiday with her

YOU’VE seen her hungover. You’ve seen her cry over a situationship. You’ve even seen her attempt to reverse park. Now, for a nightmare week in Marbella, you meet the real her: 

The airport personality shift

There are two types of airport freak; those who arrive the night before for a 3pm flight, and those who text you ten minutes before check-in closes saying ‘nearly there, just nipping to Aldi’. Each is lunatic in their own way, but whichever you are your mate will be the opposite. And will have six bags because she ‘didn’t know Ryanair had a limit’.

The differing views on room etiquette

Sharing a room will be fine, we’ll save money! Until the second night, when she picks up a Latino gentleman called Ricardo, saying ‘Don’t worry, we’ll stay under the covers, you won’t see anything’. And now you’ve got to find a Spanish pharmacy to buy earplugs, which is useful the next day when she needs the morning-after pill.

The emergence of control issues

At work, she procrastinates. At weekend, she hangs out. Here? There’s a nine-page laminated itinerary, she books three restaurants for every meal ‘in case’ and frowns on drinking before noon which is ridiculous, this is a holiday. Ask for the room key so you can dodge a historical site and you discover she owns it and you’re not allowed to have it.

The disagreements about money

She’s always been chill about splitting a Costa bill, but here? Suddenly every Euro matters, apparently because you’re on cocktails and she’s on water and you didn’t realise cocktails were only two-for-one for the first hour. And in restaurants! Order the venison and you see your friendship die in her eyes.

The purpose of a holiday being Instagram

A few photos, sure. Tagging in everywhere you go, even if it’s a park? Multiple snaps in every location? Discovering she livestreamed your conversation about cystitis and apps are being used to slim her but not you? You’re on different holidays, and yours now incorporates heavy drinking as a survival strategy.

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