The bigger the house, the more miserable the marriage, experts confirm

MOST couples who live in massive houses with multiple reception rooms and a large garden f**king hate each other, a new study has shown.

These homes, which feature super king beds, a study and a snug, mean the couple can go for approximately two weeks without touching, speaking or even having to acknowledge each other.

Dr Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The common perception is that couples in small flats and houses get on each other’s tits, but actually having a small double bed leads to more shagging, and no spare room means you have to make up after a fight.

“In a large house, the extra space means more fights about what furniture to buy and whether a hot tub is tacky or not, and of course there’s a larger dishwasher to badly stack.

“That said, the most despondent couples were ones with SUVs, which are a cry for help. They say: ‘I hate myself and my life so I’ve bought a great big cocoon that I can use to hide out on my sweeping gravel driveway.'”

Rich husband Julian Cook said: “I detest my wife. We should accept we’re fundamentally incompatible, get divorced and carve new, more fulfilling paths in life. Or we could convert the loft.”

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To summon the goddess Eris: the real reasons women go to the bathroom in groups

CURIOUS as to why women scuttle off to the bathroom in groups of eight? Wondering what they really get up to in there? Find out here.

Revert to their true lizard form

Contrary to popular belief, women are not human beings. They are in fact towering lizard people lumbering around in clever skin suits. These disguises make their scales itch though, and women can only last a few hours before they need to peel them off and give each other’s coarse, reptilian skin a good scratch. Why else do you think they always take so f**king long in there?

Summon the goddess Eris

If a night out is starting to drag, women retire to the ladies to summon the Greek goddess of strife and discord. This involves dancing around the arcane glyphs and cabalistic symbols painted on the floor of every women’s toilet, and always leads to unprecedented levels of mirth and mayhem. You’ll never know the real secrets of their dark magyk though, because you’re not in their WhatsApp group.

Feast on the flesh of their enemies

Every woman carries around a scrap of flesh that used to belong to one of her enemies in her handbag. When they go to the bathroom, they snack on these morsels of unfaithful ex-boyfriends, mansplaining colleagues and sexist builders while comparing notes on how they taste. They’ll say they’re adjusting their makeup but this is what they’re really doing.

Plot the downfall of men

Yes, everything blokes fear is true. When women ‘go to the loo’, they’re actually conducting a top secret, no-boys-allowed meeting about how to bring down men in a James Bond villain-style evil lair. There’s a big world map on the wall, a countdown ticking away ominously, the works. Everything’s going according to plan too, so watch out fellas.

Compare and swap dick pics

Women have much more sophisticated and mysterious ways of going to the toilet than men. So when they visit the bathroom they’re actually taking a little break to compare and swap the dick pics they’ve received like trading cards. Together they’ve almost got a full set of every desperate man on the planet. Just a few dozen more to go.