The couple's guide to not having sex anymore

SEX is great but in a long-term relationship it often feels like a lot of hassle. Here are some excellent reasons not to do it.

You just got into your pyjamas

Sex doesn’t really compare to the deep joy of getting into your pyjamas. If your partner had given you advance warning that would be fine, but not after you’ve got all the way into them.  

You’ll have to resolve an argument first

No sex will take place until you resolve that lingering argument about letting the kids watch four hours of a disturbing new sci-fi horror show on Netflix. That would mean admitting you were wrong, which is far too much grief before bedtime.

You’ve just cleaned the sheets

There’s nothing like clean sheets, especially if you only wash them once a month. No wonder the thought of sweat, bodily fluids and bare bottoms coming into contact with your lovely crisp sheets puts you right off sex.

All that clambering on top of each other

Sex can be great once you get going but it requires one party to clamber onto the other. It all feels like unnecessary physical effort when you’ve got Pinterest to look at.

The walls are too thin

You can hear the neighbours’ TV so they can hear you. Best to be on the safe side and not have sex in case they are voyeuristic perverts.

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Facebook's 'People you may know' to be renamed 'People you don't like'

FACEBOOK is changing its ‘People you may know’ feature to ‘People you don’t like’, the company has announced.

The social media giant says the move is an attempt to be more ‘honest and open’ about trying to hook you up with various twats you have no desire to be in contact with.

Facebook user Nathan Muir said: “I was helpfully reminded that I know Steve Horton, but I’m not that keen to be friends with someone who called me ‘bender’ for three years at school.

“I’ve also got a horrible feeling he lives in the past and will invite me to the pub to talk about girls I barely knew at the time. So it’s ‘Accept friend request’ then I’m ignoring him forever.”

Fellow user Nikki Hollis said: “Yes, I know Clare Lightfoot. She doesn’t like me and I don’t like her, so what’s the point? I can still look at her page and laugh at her latest shitty haircut.”

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg said: “People responded negatively to 96 percent of the faces shown by the ‘People you may know’ algorithm, rising to 100 percent if you went to school with them.

“We have no idea why people don’t want to meet people they hate, but we can probably install a feature that automatically invites them over to your house.”