The smallest possible things to have the largest possible row about

WANT a row with your partner? Ignore the elephant in the room and argue over these tiny things instead:

The last chocolate

It might have been a Celebrations Bounty, which you hate, but it was your bloody chocolate. And now there’s no chocolate. So kick the f**k off over your partner’s f**king selfishness and pretend it’s not because you’re deeply unhappy about your weight.


You’re both earning halfway to six figures so 65p is neither here nor there. But you paid for the car park last time and it’s not fair he treats your handbag like it’s a frigging change purse. You’ll throw his precious 65p at him, he’ll throw it back, and the fight is on.

A text

A late night text can lead to awkward questions like ‘who’s it from?’ and ‘why are you going to the toilet to read it?’ You’ll stay up until the early hours locked in a bitter confrontation, and all because O2 messaged you with details about a competition offer. Imagine how mad your partner would be if they found your burner phone.

An ant

Found an ant in the kitchen? The opposing viewpoints will quickly solidify into ‘It’s your fault for not emptying the bin’ versus ‘It’s your fault for buying fruit and letting it rot in the bowl’. Soon you’ll be dissecting each others’ sexual shortcomings clinically and unforgivably.

A 0.22 second glance

Once you’re really on the rocks, a glance of this duration – whether vengefully at each other, or lustfully at a third party – will be the perfect reason to not speak for three days and then to have a row so blazing the neighbours’ kids wake up and text your kids. They all agree it’s time to divorce.

The Higgs bosun

When you’re capable of turning your partner’s correction that this sub-atomic particle is actually called ‘the Higgs boson not the Higgins bosun’ into a massive barney, including views on her mother, parentage and promiscuity at school, admit the relationship’s over. There’s nothing smaller to argue about any more.

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In which sad, sad ways did you piss away your youth?

HAS your youth disappeared into life’s rear view mirror? This is how you squandered your prime:

Playing video games

These days computer games let you make online friendships and even earn cash. In your youth you played alone in the dark, the only light in your room the screen of BBC Micro as you got repeatedly vaporised in Starship Command. Those were the best years of your life, and you f**ked them.

Studying too hard

You’re only young once, and you spent that precious time indoors hunched over revision guides while nervously chewing a highlighter pen. Your parents tried to force you to lighten the f**k up by pushing you into a field with a football, but before long you bunked off to get back to cramming. And then you got Cs.

Working in a shit job

While all your friends were out clubbing, your rota locked you into facing-up Co-op shelves every Friday and Saturday night. You didn’t even save a fortune in the process because you were being paid bugger all. All that hard work paid off in the end though because now you’re assistant supervisor and get one Friday off a month. Winning.

Staying in a crap relationship

You were young, you didn’t know any better, and if you were lucky your manipulative partner occasionally let you get to second base. Looking back on it though, that crap relationship cost you the opportunity to hit on a slew of hot singletons at the height of their attractiveness. You wouldn’t have scored anyway, but it’s the principle that matters.

Being an overall ungrateful twat

You had no bills, no responsibilities, and a whole life of possibilities was in front of you. And what did you do? Grow a horrendous haircut, treat the world with disdain, and listen to The Smiths because everything was so unfair and stupid. This is acceptable behaviour when life’s crushed your dreams but twattish when you’re young.