WANT a row with your partner? Ignore the elephant in the room and argue over these tiny things instead:
The last chocolate
It might have been a Celebrations Bounty, which you hate, but it was your bloody chocolate. And now there’s no chocolate. So kick the f**k off over your partner’s f**king selfishness and pretend it’s not because you’re deeply unhappy about your weight.
You’re both earning halfway to six figures so 65p is neither here nor there. But you paid for the car park last time and it’s not fair he treats your handbag like it’s a frigging change purse. You’ll throw his precious 65p at him, he’ll throw it back, and the fight is on.
A late night text can lead to awkward questions like ‘who’s it from?’ and ‘why are you going to the toilet to read it?’ You’ll stay up until the early hours locked in a bitter confrontation, and all because O2 messaged you with details about a competition offer. Imagine how mad your partner would be if they found your burner phone.
Found an ant in the kitchen? The opposing viewpoints will quickly solidify into ‘It’s your fault for not emptying the bin’ versus ‘It’s your fault for buying fruit and letting it rot in the bowl’. Soon you’ll be dissecting each others’ sexual shortcomings clinically and unforgivably.
A 0.22 second glance
Once you’re really on the rocks, a glance of this duration – whether vengefully at each other, or lustfully at a third party – will be the perfect reason to not speak for three days and then to have a row so blazing the neighbours’ kids wake up and text your kids. They all agree it’s time to divorce.
The Higgs bosun
When you’re capable of turning your partner’s correction that this sub-atomic particle is actually called ‘the Higgs boson not the Higgins bosun’ into a massive barney, including views on her mother, parentage and promiscuity at school, admit the relationship’s over. There’s nothing smaller to argue about any more.